2005 Emmy Awards

Emmys Host Ellen DeGeneres

"If you don't win tonight, it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor."

Ellen DeGeneres got a few laughs early on at last night’s Emmy Awards. But like the horrible “Emmy Idol” musical numbers the show introduced, she just got worse as time went on.
So, let’s start at the very beginning. The real question I want answered is: What type of blackmail/scandal is the Emmy producer holding over the heads of the Black Eyed Peas that forced them to perform that disasterous opening number with Earth Wind and Fire? It’s bad enough we have to sit through crappy musical renditions when we watch the Oscars, but now the Emmys? And what genius came up with the “Emmy Idol” idea? Donald Trump in overalls singing? Hey Donny: You’re fired!

Best Acceptance Speech (Part I): Best Actress in a Miniseries or Movie winner S. Epatha Merkerson's (say that three times fast) speech was hilarious. Confessing she tucked her speech away “down here” she struggled for most of her time at the podium trying to retrieve it from her cleavage.

Best Acceptance Speech (Part II): Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy winner Brad Garrett thanked “…Britney Spears and our new baby”.

Who Do You Have to %$# to Win an Emmy?: Although there were a few surprises in the drama categories (Patricia Arquette, S. Epatha “Whatever”) there was only one surprise in the Comedy categories: Felicity Huffman of “Desperate Housewives” beat out co-stars Teri Hatcher and Marcia Cross for Best Actress in a Comedy. Considering how favored Hatcher was to win, that came as quite a shock. But the rest of the comedy awards felt like a repeat of years past: Tony Shaloub of “Monk” won for Best Actor when the award should have gone to Jason Bateman, the best straight man in the bag of nuts that is “Arrested Development”. Supporting awards in the comedy category went to Brad Garrett and Doris Roberts of “Everybody Loves Raymond”. Enough already! This was their third and fourth wins respectively. Open up the playing field and award Jeremy Piven of “Entourage” or Jessica Walter of “Arrested Development”. Apparently the Academy loves Raymond as well, because it won Best Comedy Series over the more deserving “Arrested Development”. I won’t include “Desperate Housewives” here, because in my opinion, although a great show, it’s more of a drama and didn’t belong in the comedy category to begin with.

Best Revenge: David Letterman introducing the Johnny Carson tribute. Famously looked over as the heir apparent to The Tonight Show when Johnny retired, Letterman got his just desserts and paid tribute to his mentor as Johnny’s successor, Jay Leno, looked on from the audience.

Back to Ellen. When the Emmy Awards were delayed twice in 2001, as host she made the telecast swift, light, and fun and made the show worth watching in light of the events of September 11th. This year however, her jokes just got worse as the show went on, eventually leading her into the ladies room where she, and eventually her shtick, went into the toilet.

Saving the Best (and Worst) for last: Fashion! Most of the women looked great- but special kudos for Marcia Cross (she should always wear that color green); Halle Berry, Lauren Graham (who should have been nominated for “Gilmore Girls”), Mariska Hartigay, Mischa Barton, Eva Longoria and Alyson Hannigan. The train wrecks are as follows: Paula Abdul (who never disappoints in the “worst dressed” category), Mary McCormack (wearing that outfit, she should have been dancing with the kids in the “Fame” number”), Patricia Arquette (I think the star of "Medium" channeled some movie star from the 40's to create that stupid hair don't) and Portia De Rossi. But the absolute worst of the night was the E! Red Carpet host, Star Jones, who looked like Violet Beauregard from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” after she turns into the blueberry. Or as my father so lovingly said, “She looks like Al Sharpton’s twin sister!” I think he missed his calling…