Cry Me a River, Moana...

The Bachelor: Paris


This week’s TWO HOUR episode featured Dr. Travis Stork traveling from Paris back to each of the four remaining gals hometowns. First stop was California, for self-proclaimed “true California girl” Moana. Oh Moana. I can’t seem to figure out what your deal is. At first I thought you were playing hard to get and acting all mysterious because, having watched previous Bachelor shows, you decided that would give you the advantage over the rest of the carbon copy beauties. But then you broke down. And you’ve been breaking down ever since. What happened to the “I don’t give a shit” attitude you possessed in the early episodes? I may not have liked you for it, but I respected the fact that you weren’t going to get all ga ga over some guy you just met. Are you having a mental breakdown on TV? I’m surprised you didn’t burst into tears when your “holier than thou” stepmother attacked Travis. That woman needs to be stopped. Anyway, back to the hometown date. So Travis and Moana have some quality alone time on the beach, lying next to some surfboards. Travis says something to the effect of “You can’t surf in Nashville”. Really, Travis? This guy is losing IQ points each week. It’s a wonder he got through med school. After some sun and surf, Weepy and Dopey head back to Casa de Moana. Travis meets Moana’s dad Ray, her mom Cheryl and the aforementioned grumpy stepmother, Virginia. Right off the bat, Ray is skeptical. For the remainder of the Moana segment, Ray continuously attacks Travis. The entire time. Only to be briefly interrupted by Virginia who is “disgusted” by the whole idea of “The Bachelor” and goes on and on about the how the sanctity of marriage has become mockery. I think she was just gunning for her fifteen minutes of fame, but what do I know. My favorite part was when, during one of Ray’s many interrogations, Travis tried to answer a question with his routine “I have strong beliefs” speech. “What exactly are your beliefs?” asked Ray. Cut to Travis staring blankly and having NO IDEA what to say. Priceless.

Next up is Sarah from Canada (I love how she’s never referred to by Travis as Sarah B. or Sarah from Winnipeg, just Sarah from Canada like it’s a tiny suburb of Boston or something. How come Sarah from Tennessee gets that moniker and not Sarah from the States? Or Sarah from the US? Just asking)…Anyway, so Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada (which is what I am calling her from now on) is waiting for Travis to meet her in some park and she already seems stoned. In voice over, Travis explains about how they had a “great connection from the start” but in the last couple of group dates, Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada seemed distant. He’s hoping that by being out of the house with all the girls, they will recapture that first spark (or something corny like that). So they hang in the park for a while and feed the ducks, but soon they are off to some bar to play pool and of course, drink beer. After what looks like some serious pool ass-kicking on Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada’s part, they sit down with their beers and have a chat. I’d like to interrupt here with what I think is Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada’s main problem: she can’t let the Moana thing go. Maybe if Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada had spent this “alone” time with Travis talking about herself or him or anything other than Moana, she would have half a chance. But she’s too busy filling Travis in on the “evil” Moana and as a result, looks petty and immature, which brings me to Travis’ visit with Sarah’s family. Things seem to be going well until Mrs. B from Winnipeg, Canada mentions in passing that her daughter still lives at home. Cue the dramatic music. Lives at home? Travis is SHOCKED. And right then and there you know Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada is getting the boot in tonight’s rose ceremony. Once he hears this info, it looks like he can’t even comprehend what anyone is saying for the rest of the night. It is only at this moment that Travis seems to realize just how young Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada really is. It wasn’t the constant “yeah, man”’ she ended every sentence with, or the fact that her profession is “Student”, or that she drinks a lot and could kick his ass in pool. Nope. She lives at home! She must be young! Then, just in case there was any doubt as to just how young Sarah is, the next shot is of she and Travis lying on her bed as she cuddles a stuffed animal. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

OK, I’m going to wrap this one up. Next up is Tennessee, where Travis is literally able to walk from his house to Sarah from Tennessee’s cute apartment. Own apartment? Check! They then walk to the park (what’s with this guy and parks?) where they hang out and get a surprise visit from Sarah’s sisters and her class of rambunctious kindergarteners. Good with kids? Check! For a fun little twist, Sarah’s parents and her aunt go to Travis’ place where he cooks them dinner. Nice family without any grand inquisition? Check! Things are really looking up for “teacher” Sarah when we hit a snag: he wants to move to the mountains; she wants to stay in Tennessee. Her mom tells her it’s difficult being a doctor’s wife. Not as difficult as being single, lady. Shut your trap! Sarah’s Dad barely says three words all night, which is a nice change from Moana’s annoying papa. After the parents thank Travis five hundred and sixty-two times and Sarah’s aunt basically asks her if they’ve done the deed, the parents and aunt take off. And I think this is the first time Teacher Sarah and Doctor Travis kiss. FINALLY.

The last of the hometown dates is with Susan, the wannabe actress from Durham, NC. Initially, I liked Susan until a couple of episodes in when she threw Teacher Susan under the bus, for what I don’t even remember. I mean, c’mon. You can trash Moana, Stoner Tara, Drunk Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada, but Teacher Sarah? She’s gotta be the sweetest person ever to grace the Bachelor franchise. Boring? Yes. But absolutely undeserving of Susan’s cattiness. The gloves are off, lady. What we know about Susan is this: she got the first kiss from Travis on the show; she wants to be an actress; and because of that last fact, we don’t know how sincere she is. Susan and Travis meet in a…PARK and they have a little game of touch football. Susan tells Travis she’s a pretty good athlete. Travis, here’s a hint for you. Anyone with nails as perfectly manicured as Susan’s is not an athlete, nor is she going to enjoy the outdoorsy life you so love, no matter what she tells you.

Susan and Travis go back to her parents’ house. Her mother is a trip. I’m not even sure she gave birth to this girl, because she calls her out so fast I had to rewind the TIVO five times. We learn Susan’s been engaged. Mom is concerned she is not ready for another committed relationship. No matter what Susan says or how many times she gushes about Travis, Mom just isn’t buying it. When Travis tells Mom that their feelings are real and there is no acting, Mom responds, “How do you know there’s no acting?” Ouch. Cut to Dad, who asks his little girl if she hopes that being on the show and meeting Travis will further her acting career. She actually says, “Whatever can help me out.” OH MY GOD. Does Susan know she’s on camera? Is she aware that, later on in the episode and she tells Travis that she is “110% committed and sincere” that she is a pathological liar? I’m guessing no.

Now the ladies have traveled all the way back to Paris, only for one of them to get the boot. At least they’ll be racking up some frequent flyer miles. Before he meets the ladies, he watches special video clips of them telling them what a terrific time they had. They’re all pretty predictable, except for Moana, who has a mental breakdown. Now that she’s snagged him with her play hard to get routine, she’s gonna show him her sensitive side as well. We get it Moana, you have feelings.

Travis makes his obligatory “I wish I didn’t have to cut any of you but they are making me so I’m going to” speech and begins to hand out a rose. Susan’s first, then Moana (she didn’t cry, thank god). Enter Chris Harrison. I love this guy. He has the best job in the world. How he manages to keep a straight face through all this is a skill unto its own. “Travis, Ladies, this is the final rose.” Love it. After what seems like an eternity, Travis says, “Sarah”. WHICH SARAH, TRAVIS? You’ve managed to call them Sarah from Tennessee and Sarah from Canada all season and now, at the most critical moment, you forget to say which one? You’re killing me. Finally, he realizes what he’s done and blurts out, “…from Tennessee.” Whew! Thank God. Cause I couldn’t have taken another cuddling session with Travis, Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada and her collection of stuffed animals.

So then there where three. I’m gonna bet that Susan’s a better actress than we give her credit for and she’ll make it to the final two. Although Travis hasn’t yet figured out that Moana is bipolar, as evidenced by picking her this week, I’m guessing she will have one emotional outburst too many and he’ll realize she’s a crazy nut. Which leaves Sarah from Tennessee to battle it out with Susan. Good vs. Evil…