And Then There Were Two...

Dr. Travis Stork. The Bachelor: Paris

OK, first thing first. I just have to get this out of the way. For any of you who watched “Grey’s Anatomy” last night, I hope you agree with me when I say that I heard the best line ever in the history of television during a conversation between Dr. Bailey and George as Dr. Bailey is about to deliver her baby:

GEORGE: I see the head!
DR. BAILEY: O’Malley! Stop looking at my va-jay-jay!!

For the first time in my life, I actually, literally spit my beverage out of my mouth and laughed so hard I was about to cry. VA-JAY-JAY. Classic.

Ok, so on to business. I finally figured out why this season of The Bachelor seems to have flown by so quickly. It’s because they have saved all the special two hour episodes until the end. Do we really need to waste two whole hours? It’s bad enough I waste an hour of my night watching this show, but two? C’mon, people. WRAP IT UP.

The episode begins with a walk down memory lane as previous bachelors recall their “special, romantic” overnight dates. Bachelor Number Two, Aaron Buerge is alive and well and opening lots of banks and restaurants in Springfield. Cut to a clip of Aaron and Gwen on a romantic overnight date in San Francisco. Gwen: “Do you think after this process, you’re finding what you’re looking for?” Aaron “I think so”. Translation: it ain’t you baby….It’s at this point I wonder if we are going to have to sit through each former Bachelor’s (please don’t subject me to Bob Guiney) steamy recollection of overnight dates, where he got the fantasy key and did the nasty with the last Bachelorettes standing. What is the point of this? They aren’t together anymore. Not exactly a shining endorsement for the Bachelor franchise. (Please don’t subject me to Bob Guiney)

But, yes, we get to see Shannon from Season One who says by getting the fantasy suite key, you’re basically expected to sleep with the Bachelor ( in this case, Alex the cad). She didn’t. She got the boot. Shocking. (Please don’t subject me to Bob Guiney) Next up, Andy Firestone. I actually liked Andrew. He says he’s still working at the family winery and is not driving down Sunset Strip a hundred miles an hour in a Ferrari. But you could, Andy. They show his date in Hawaii with Tina “Fabulous”. Hey, why are they showing dates with the ladies who didn’t even get the final rose? I don’t get it. (Please don’t subject me to Bob Guiney) On to Mandy Jaye and Bachelor Number Five, Jesse “Dumbest Man on Earth” Palmer’s date in Washington D.C. (what’s so romantic about DC?) where they get crashed by Psycho Trish. Trish! Loved her. She’s was like the Moana of that season. They show the unbelievably humiliating clip of Trish actually taking a room key out of her bra and giving it to Jesse, telling him “you spent the day with her, come spend the night with me”. If she had to do it all over again, Trish says, she would do it exactly the same way. Woman, do you know no bounds? OY…Time for commercial and apparently we still have more Bachelors to catch up with (Please don’t subject me to Bob Guiney)…

Trista…when are you going to go away??? The gal from “our most romantic love story of all time” recalls her overnight date with Alex when she was on Season One of The Bachelor and ABC is all too happy to show us the shot of Alex barfing the helicopter. Nice. Ugh, her voice still sends chills down my spine. Then an extra long segment with now hubby Ryan Sutter recalling their overnight date in Seattle. “We had a really hot time in the hot tub. It was hard.” I’m not even touching that one. Trista loves her life, her hubby, her dogs…and a lot of that is because of “The Bachelorette”. Ya think, Trista? If it weren’t for “The Bachelorette” you would not have met your hot, but clueless hubby. Idiot…

So it turns out that lots of our former Bachelors and Bachelorettes are watching this season. Trish thinks Travis has a personality and is good looking. Uh oh. How fantastic would it be if she crashed Moana’s overnight date with Travis? Please oh please oh please…Tina Fabulous likes to watch by herself, in a room by herself, her, nobody else, no cell phones, no family members, no friends…nothing. I’m leaving that one alone too. Trista thinks Travis is just like Ryan. I haven’t heard Travis recite any poetry yet, so I’m thinking, not even close. Charlie is jealous of Travis and thinks he has a nice body, nice cheekbones and is amazing. I checked for editing and there wasn’t any. Charlie actually said this on camera. Is it me or does he look like Huey Lewis? Oh god…another commercial and they still haven’t shown us what Byron and Mary are up to. COME ON! Let’s get this show on the road!! (Please don’t subject me to Bob Guiney).

Well, it looks like they are saving Byron and Mary until later (Please don’t subject me to Bob Guiney). And finally, our episode starts. Travis wrapping up his feelings on the three remaining ladies: Susan- he’s basically scared of her mother. Sarah (no need to differentiate anymore)- he’s hoping they’ll get past first base on the overnight date. “And then…Moana”. She’s exciting. She knows no boundaries. He’s wondering why all the girls hate her. HELLOOOOOOOO. Anyone in there? Would you like some cuckoo with your cocoa puffs, Travis?

Venice, Italy. Travis is looking forward to seeing Moana. It feels like she’s his girlfriend. Awwwww….Somewhere Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada is laying on her canopy bed with her stuffed animal, smoking a doobie and on her private “teen” phone line crying her eyes out to her girlfriends. Travis and Moana check out some churches. Get attacked by five million birds. Have coffee. Moana breaks out perfect Italian. Travis is impressed. Drink wine and kiss on the gondola. God, I’m bored. This better pick up.

Back from commercial. Travis toasts himself because he’s with the most beautiful girl in Venice. Until Trish walks up!! Nah…just kidding. A girl can hope…Travis lays a big speech on Moana about how he can’t wait to get back to his normal life but he’s so happy to have met her and if he didn’t they wouldn’t be in Venice and she teaches him things (hmmmm…..) and she says he teaches him things and I’m hoping someone will teach someone to be a little more exciting on this date. Travis breaks out the fantasy suite invite and says “and I’m going to tell you why I’m looking forward to it in a minute”. Please Travis, tell us. Is it because all this time you have kept Moana around just for this specific moment and you are hoping she will rock your world in the fantasy suite? I’m guessing yes. But, apparently its because he wants to spend more time with her…alone. So she can ROCK YOUR WORLD!!! Right Travis? Throw me a bone, please! Moana thinks Travis and she are on the same page. Translation: I’m gonna rock your world, Travis. Travis explains he’s always been faithful and truthful and never cheated…blah blah blah and that he has two other dates to go on. Moana is right here and right now. In other words, shut up Travis. Lock the door and let’s get it on…

Oh my god…we’re only half way though…

Vienna, Austria. Guten Tag! Both Travis and Sarah are hoping to see if romance is in the air. Frankly, so are we. Cause as it looks now, Moana is a lock (no hysterical outbursts on their date, but she still has the final message video tape so here’s hoping!) and Susan is the hottest, so it ain’t looking good for Sarah. Travis and Sarah take a ride on an old ferris wheel looking thing, but bigger with a couch and Surprise! beer waiting for them. He’s exited to see her. She’s excited to see him. I’d be excited if this show was over. Travis tells us he’s connected to Sarah in a way different than the romantic connections with Moana and Susan. Basically, she’s not a self-involved, sex crazed loony toon, and that’s ok with him. They go and get a couples massage. Now, I’m guessing it would be more romantic for them to massage each other, but what do I know. They go and float in a tub and remind me of two kids playing in a kiddie pool. He gives her a peck on the cheek. A peck? Is he holding out because he thinks she wants to take it slow? Because, now, according to Sarah, the pecks are nice and all, but she’s ready for some serious smooching. You go girl! During a carriage ride through the streets, Sarah tells Travis that although PDA is sweet, she would never do that. Sarah, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? You are sabotaging your own date! What happened to all the sweet kisses you were after? This girl needs game…Travis, god bless him, is trying to save this date the best he can by saying in voice over that they are building a relationship that goes beyond friendship and that they are allowing that to happen completely naturally. Whatever you say, Travis…Coming up…Susan faces some tough questions. Oh thank god. Finally some drama!!!

Travis is looking forward to a romantic evening alone with Sarah and to really get closer in that way. By this he means he’s hoping they are alone in a secluded place so Sarah won’t pull the anti-PDA card on him. When he gives Sarah the fantasy suite invite, Travis suggests they bail on the formal dinner, take the food and hang out in the suite. Sarah thinks that has been the best idea all night. Yes! She’s back in the game!

Back in the suite, Travis explains how they have built a strong friendship, unlike anything he has with the two other girls. Sarah says its not like her to jump into something so soon and she questions the other girls intentions. Travis is curious as to what that means. Without throwing anyone under the bus, Sarah explains that she and Travis are settled in life, know what they want and where they want to go in life. Travis is impressed. He says that without her being there, he honestly thinks he may have lost some of who he is. Huh? If anyone knows what the hell he is talking about, please let me know. Anyway, she says that is the best thing he has said to her since they’ve been there. And we move in for the kiss…WHAA HOO!!!! I’m getting a Trista/Ryan vibe from these two (but in a good way)…

French Alps: Travis has a lot of unanswered questions. He wonders if Susan’s saying things because he wants to hear it, or if she sincerely means. So, along with Susan’s mother, Travis is wondering just how much acting is really going on. Susan says that although her hometown date was a little rocky, the mountains and the snow and the beauty of the place is the perfect place to fall in love. It’s gonna take more than snow and mountains, Susan. After they meet, Travis says he wants to go climb a mountain. Susan jumps up and down like a Chihuahua. Yeah! Yippee! We interrupt this program…this is a test…repeat this is a test. Apparently, Travis caught on to my French manicure statement from last week and he too is skeptical. Tossing a football around is nothing, lady. Let’s see what you’re really made of. So they climb the mountain. This is cool! I want to go higher! Today, ladies and gentlemen, the role of expert mountain climber is being played by Susan. After they sit on what looks like a very unstable log lodged into the side of the mountain, Travis asks Susan if going to France was to get exposure. That’s the last reason, Susan says. She pulls the “this is hard for me…I don’t want to be vulnerable” card. He’s hoping she has legitimate feelings, but quite honestly, he doesn’t know yet. After the mountain climb, they come upon a boiling pot in the middle of nowhere. “Guess what’s in the pot?” Travis asks. I’m hoping its Travis’ pet bunny put there by Trish, but alas…no sighting of the psycho chick from season five yet. It’s a pot of hot cider, Travis says, people drink the pot to stay warm. They drink the pot to stay warm? Maybe Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada put it there. Anyway, over a nice cup of hot pot, Travis tells Susan that the girls in the house told him that Susan was talking about their first kiss as if it were a competition. No way, says Susan, defending herself to the end. To the camera she says she’s so not about publicity or winning a stupid game. (Cue the tears)…this is about how I’m feeling….But next to the hot pot, he kisses her anyway. The true test of tonight, he says, is if he can see the real Susan.

Over some fondue, Travis says he likes to be challenged and that Susan and he are on the same page. Is this the same page that he and Moana are on, because its getting a little crowded. Now here is where I know Susan is getting the boot tonight (and I swear I am writing this as I watch it): Travis says he honestly questions if Susan just says what he wants to hear. Haven’t we covered this already? Susan tells him she’s very nervous and that she’s totally falling in love with him. That’s right, Susie. Pull out all the stops. You can literally hear Travis gulp. Literally! You’re done Susie. I’m sure you’ll take the fantasy suite, have a night of crazy love, but you are still going back to the U.S.A. No need to keep watching after the gulp heard around the world. Fast forward!!

Paris, France: Travis watches the video messages of the ladies. Moana amazingly doesn’t weep hysterically. Sarah thinks they are perfect together. Susan hopes that she…well it doesn’t matter. She’s done.

Travis is honestly really confused right now. He has to break up with someone. Cut to the ceremony. I have to let one of you down…blah blah blah…Moana looks incredibly confident, Susan confused and Sarah is about to throw up. He picks up a rose. Moana, will you accept this rose? Moana passes on the “fake out” she’s done at every other RC and just hugs Travis with giddy laughter. Susan is pissed. The final rose. What, no Chris Harrison to remind us? This guy is slacking off. Hesitation….he looks back and forth at Susan and Sarah. Holy crap my heart is racing. Big pause…and Sarah! Oh thank god. You can see Susan's brain working overtime. How can she get in her last 15 minutes of fame? Enter Harrison. Susan, I’m sorry, get lost. Enjoy the peanuts in coach on your flight home. Travis takes Susan into the hall as Moana and Sarah make idle chit chat. What do you think they are talking about? Anyway, Travis and Susan sit down. “You are amazing…” Susan just wants to know why he dumped her. “Because I see through your charade woman, and I’m cutting you loose to go ahead and make a go of it in this crazy business we call show”. He puts her in the limo, and Susan starts to go off to 2nd Assistant cameraman. “I got dumped because I’m formal. What does that mean?” Uh, I dunno lady…I’m just the cameraman. “I try to keep myself in control and professional…” Um, wait a second. Professional? Who acts professional in a relationship? You act professional in a job interview or audition or…oh, ok, I get it. And back to the audition: “Anyone who’s sitting back in that $%#& chateau who thinks they’re being real is lying to themselves! Nobody likes to be hurting…nobody likes to be the one left wanting…” Uh, lady, we’re running out of tape… “I wanted to be his girl. I don’t get his decision. God…(cue the water works)…&%$#@....Why God? WHY????” Seriously lady…you’re done.

Back at the chateau, Travis feels very lucky for Sarah and Moana to be on his version of “Meet the Parents”. But we’ll have to wait two weeks because next week, it’s a very special episode of “The Woman Tell All” including more from the jilted Bachelorette who people can’t stop talking about (that would be crazy Ally from ep. 1). Never before seen footage of Travis boogieing on down with the ladies! Drunk Tara! Baked Sarah! Moana break dances! And I need to go to bed…See you next week.

Endnote: To the producers of The Bachelor: Thank you for not subjecting me to an update of Bob Guiney. You're ok in my book.