Dr. T and the Women

No show...Allie G.


Ok, so I’m perplexed. Former Bachelorettes have the option of NOT showing up to “The Women Tell All” special? I would think that would be in their contract once they sign up for the show. Otherwise, how do you explain all the other idiots who made a fool of themselves on national television, only to come back for more on the “tell all” special? For once, Allie G. made a smart decision. But no Allie G? COME ON! ABC’s lawyers need to do a better job with those contracts. I guess we will never know what possessed her to offer up her ovaries to Dr. T. Oh well….Like Travis said, we’ll let her move on…

So the (one hour- Thank God!) show starts with a verbal beating of Susan, the last Bachelorette to be denied a rose. Without wasting any time, Harrison delves right in to the “were you acting or weren’t you?” We’re treated to some footage of Susan crying in the limo (minus the sailor-worthy cursing she used) and unseen footage of Travis stating once again, he doesn’t know what her intentions are. Harrison says that her mother threw her under the bus. Susan nods along and says her mom has been very upset this week. Yes, that’s because you have her gagged and locked in the basement with no food or water so she won’t ruin any other potential engagements for you. Then comes the attack. It reminds me of a scene out of “Carrie” where all the mean girls are taunting her, but unfortunately, Susan doesn’t have voodoo powers to slam the doors of the studio, lock everyone inside and drop lights from the ceiling onto their inflated heads. The ring leader is Jenny, the model from Boston who got booted on the camping trip with Travis and Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada. She just won’t let up on Susan. Personally, I think she wants to take her obviously very lucrative modeling career in Boston and parlay that into becoming an actress in Hollywood. She's just pissed no one thought of her as the “would-be” starlet, and therefore Bernie, her agent, hasn’t been getting any calls. Anyway, she brings up the fact that Susan had a picture of her ex- fiancé with her at all times back at the chateau. She did? I don’t remember seeing that. But I’ll take your word for it Jenny, cause you are obviously VERY pissed off about this. The mean girls claim that Susan was keeping ex- fiancé in her back pocket all the while competing with them for Travis’ attention. Susan says no, they say yes, back and forth, back and forth. Quite Frankly, I’m sick of this argument. Susan is never gonna say, “Yes, I am here to be discovered and was keeping my ex- fiancé around in case I got the boot. As a matter of fact, we’re back in love and he’s waiting for me backstage.” And the mean girls are never going to let it go, so let’s just move on, shall we? But not before we get some very moving crying fits from Susan. And…CUT! Beautiful Susan!

Next up is Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada to answer the questions about her pot smoking and immaturity. Again, front and center is Jenny, obviously pissed because Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada got the rose on the camping trip and not Jenny. Jenny tells her she is immature. I found this amusing for several reasons. One, Jenny is two years older than Sarah. Two. Not ten. How much more mature can Jenny be? She accuses her of playing with her marshmallow on the camping trip, stretching it out, etc. I’m just wishing Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada had smeared it over Jenny’s mouth to shut her the hell up. This is all you got, Jenny? Then, to prove my first point, we see a clip of Jenny from the camping trip. Bugs! Ick! Dirt! Ick! My Gucci boots are getting dirty, TRAAAAAAAVIS…..Is this chick for real? You are camping- NEWSFLASH- it’s not the Four Seasons! What did you expect? She’s acting like a bratty princess (and she’s not even the Bachelorette booted from the 1st rose ceremony who is actually named Princess). After she gets the boot, she is crying to the camera and talking in a stupid baby voice. Yeah, you’re real mature, Jenny. Get over yourself. Anyway, we get to see clips of Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada’s journey through Bachelorland, squeezing the boobs, and being pouty. There was an undeniable “spark” between Travis and Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada, says Harrison, but that seems to have fizzled on the hometown date. Yeah, could have been the private teen phone line or stuffed animal menagerie on the bed, but I’m just guessing.

Kristin is up next. She’s the blonde who had potential until she decided to use an orange as fake teeth and freak the hell out of Travis on their one on one date. I especially liked the clip where Kristin shows the girls her “bit” and Baked Tara says, “You should totally do that for Travis on your date”. Ouch! Anyway, Kristin seems very nice, and as Harrison says, “one of the best personalities we’ve ever had”. Kristin does seem genuinely happy just to be there. Maybe she's drunk too. Not on vodka stingers like Tara, but maybe just a nice wine cooler.

Next, Harrison says Allie G. declined to show up. But to make the yelling stop, we are treated to some special “never before seen” footage of Allie G’s mental breakdown. Which is, Allie G. complaining that “this cost me big bucks! Big Bucks! $1,500 a day!!!” What did? Her dress? Her image consultant? Her eggs harvesting at her local fertility clinic? After the clips, Harrison leaves the floor open for comments from the mean girls. Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada has the best story, how she was standing next to Allie G, and she complained that her feet hurt. “Shut the F--- up! Shut the F--- up! You already have a rose!!” said Allie G. Now where was the “never before seen” clip of THAT moment? Annoying Yvonne, remarks for the 845th time how shocked she was after she interrupted Travis and Allie G. and Allie G. pulled out the “reproduction” card. Is it me or does she remind you of Janice from “Friends”. OH…MY…GOD… We get to see Travis’ true reaction to Allie G’s decaying reproductive system, “What the hell???” But other than Annoying Yvonne/Janice chick and Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada, the mean girls are un-characteristically quiet. Because, quite frankly, Allie G. scares the crap out of them.

Finally- “The Greatest Bachelor of All Time” (that’s Harrison talking, not me). Travis faces the ladies. He pretty much doesn’t answer the “do you think Susan was acting” questions, but says, hey mean girls, leave her alone. She’s hot and we had our fun. Nothing wrong with that. He tells Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada that she got the boot because she’s a drunk who didn’t remember climbing up a tree with him. Kristin “orange teeth” wants to know if it was her trick teeth that turned him off. Yes, lady, it was. But remember my two dorky friends that showed up to interview everyone? One of them likes you- he does a thing with mangoes that I think you’ll really like. And that’s it. That’s all Travis had to say. Except for the earlier comment about Allie G., he’s got nothing. How exactly is he the “greatest Bachelor of all time” again? Oh yeah, cause he’s left with two chicks- one who’s a great friend, and the other who’s an emotional sex freak. Put them together and you have the perfect lady…

After a clip of bloopers (nothing exciting, just more of Drunk Tara, Baked Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada and Sarah Tennessee telling Travis she liked his “meat”), Harrison asks the ladies about Moana. Now this is where it gets confusing. The mean girls spend a couple of minutes dissecting their hatred of Moana, how she didn’t want to be there, she was nonchalant about the whole thing, etc. Then apparently stabs everyone in the back by trying to get alone time with Dr. T. But, mean girls, isn’t that what you are supposed to do? Don’t say for one second you all wouldn’t have shoved each other out of the way to get a private time with the Doctor. You know you would. Moana just beat you to it. Don’t hate her for it…embrace it! You’ll feel much better. And this is exactly what happens. Harrison then calls Moana “a favorite” (where he gets his info, I don’t know. Maybe from the same place that told him Travis was the “best Bachelor ever”) and suddenly all the mean girls are nodding along as if they agreed with this statement from Day One. Huh? They say they weren’t able to see Moana’s sensitive side until they watched the show on TV like the rest of us. No, you didn’t see it, you were too busy getting drunk and trashing her ass. The best was (again) Jenny. They show a clip of her attacking Moana, yet Jenny has the balls to say- “I love her”. You love her? You made her CRY, mean girl! Jenny, you are officially annoying me. Shut up. I think she wants Moana to win, because she knows that she and Travis will never make it work. Then she’ll be interviewed for some local magazine in Boston that Bernie the agent set her up with, where she can say, “I told you so”. Still trying for her 15 minutes…

Finally some clips from next week’s final RC. Is Moana crying to Travis’ dad? AWESOME! Can’t wait to see what brought that on. Moana also says something idiotic about looking into Travis and seeing her soul. Ah….so that’s who has her soul. I thought it was the devil! Sarah kicks it up a notch when she shows up at the final RC in a stunning dress. Thank god, because throughout the clips last night I had to be reminded of all the horrible fashion choices she has made (especially that awful orange number from the first RC) so it looks like she’s redeeming herself. I’m no genius, but if I had to take a guess, I’m guessing Travis’ family endorses Sarah. Hmmm…nice, sweet teacher from Nashville, good with kids, maternal girl or “get your freak on” girl, subject to sudden emotional outbursts and spawn from cranky parents? Not a tough one, people. But I guess the question is, who will Dr. T pick?