The Tears of a Clown….

Travis and his final Bachelorette, Sarah


Rough day for me readers. Sorry its so late, but hope you enjoy, nonetheless...

Before I get into the finale of The Bachelor: Paris, can I just say how much I hate Meredith Grey? It’s bad enough I have to deal with her annoying narration, whining and lovelorn glances at McDreamy (who’s also on my list), but now she’s gone and crushed George. I almost started to weep myself when we saw the flashback of Meredith and George attempting to have sex and she just starts to cry uncontrollably, making for the most awkward sex encounter in recent television memory. UGH…But speaking of crying uncontrollably….

I find The Bachelor: Paris like a horrible train wreck. I don’t want to watch, but I can’t help myself. So during the agonizing two hour finale last night, I found myself watching the show with one eye closed hoping for it to be over as soon as possible. Alas, I’m not that lucky. So where shall I begin? Of course we have the recap of two weeks ago, the “overnight dates”, Susan getting dumped etc. Do we really need to see this yet again? This makes two “overnight date” episode recaps since the episode aired. Does ABC think we are that stupid that we would forget Susan’s award-worthy performance in the limo ride home? No, readers, they do not. What they are trying to tell us is, “You thought Susan was acting? Wait til you see this episode’s 'final thoughts' limo ride. Now, that’s what we call acting, people!”

So, Travis’ family arrives in Paris with Mom, Dad, Sister Andrea, Bro-in Law Mike & two adorable nieces. Obviously they are here to help him make a decision about who he should choose. Travis, and the sister’s family show up at an indoor park (we know how Travis loves his parks) and get to meet Sarah. They love her, of course. Sis takes Sarah aside, and Sarah tells Sis how perfect Travis is for her (a statement she makes 821 times during this episode), they want the same things, blah blah blah. Sister starts to cry. Oh, it’s just the beginning. Sarah does her “Tootie-tot” dance for the nieces and of course wins them over (who doesn’t like a little impromptu “Tootie-tot” dancing???). It’s at this point I hear the smartest thing ever to be said this season. Whitney, Travis’ niece, thinks Uncle Travis should pick using the very highly scientific "eeny-meeny-miney-mo method". I’m with you, Whitney. Back at the chateau, Sarah meets Mr. & Mrs. Stork. They take her aside for a little one on one and Travis’ dad is quite the interrogator. But Sarah answers all his and Mommy Stork’s questions honestly and heartfelt. Mom starts to cry. They LOVE her. At dinner, more talk about Sarah’s love for Travis and sister and mom cry. AGAIN. Maybe it’s the water in the chateau. Maybe Sarah is only drinking bottled water and that’s why she isn’t crying like an uncontrollable asshole 24/7. Who knows? Travis walks Sarah out and says in V.O that although his family loved Sarah with uncontrollable fits of tears, he still wants them to keep an open mind with Moana because they will be meeting her tomorrow.

Travis, Sister Andrea, Bro-in Law Mike & two adorable nieces meet Moana at the zoo. They all hit it off and Moana tries to make a forced connection with the two nieces. Let’s face it- Moana sucks in the maternal/nurturing department. Sis Andrea goes off with Moana and asks Moana how she feels about Travis. She tells Andrea that she had no expectations coming into this but now she is crazy about Travis and sees her soul in his eyes (or some crap to that effect). Then they both start crying. I’m starting to think that Andrea and Moana will form some kind of a bond. Problem is, I think Andrea’s tears are real, because she thinks this little vixen really cares for her brother and she thinks that is sweet. Moana, on the other hand, is just insane. Pure and simple. So, after the cry-fest, Moana bonds with Mike and he says he really likes her too. Then comes something completely shocking. Whitney, the older of Travis’ two nieces, shows the camera a picture she made of Sarah and Moana. “I made this picture to help Travis pick.” (Apparently she has abandoned the eeny-meeny-miney-mo method in favor of a visual). “This is Teacher Sarah and Moana. I picked Moana because I circled her and put a heart next to it.” Next we see everyone walking out of the zoo and Moana reaches for Whitney’s hand. I swear she put a twenty dollar bill in there. There’s no other explanation…

Moana arrives at the chateau and meets the Storks. Now this is where the train wreck really starts. At dinner, here goes the conversation:

MR. STORK: (asking about the group dates) So you weren’t excited about this?
MOANA: Not really
MR. STORK: You’re just going along, doing your thing…
MOANA: Yep.
MR. STORK: Well, on the second date, what were you feeling?
MOANA: (Long pause) I was going through a major shift and personal adjustment…
MR. STORK: Do you want to share your journey of self-discovery?
MOANA: (Long pause) No…
ANDREA: Tell us why you and Travis would make a good couple.
MOANA: Do I really have to? (Long Pause) I’m sorry but it’s just not in my character to answer that. It’s in my character to be completely nuts and cry at the drop of a hat and make you worry that your possible future grandchildren will have severe chemical imbalances, but its far too personal for me to answer a simple question like why Travis and I would make a good couple.
(strange looks from all of Travis’ family, including Travis)
MIKE: What is it about Travis that intrigues you?
(Very long pause)
ANDREA: There has to be a connection somewhere? (long pause) What’s the connection?
(Long pause)
ANDREA(to the camera): Here’s a girl I like so much and you can’t answer this and this kills me. I just wanted her to rattle of a list of reasons why she likes Travis and she couldn’t do it.
(Long pause)
MOANA: (Crying)I can say this, I guess. I’ve never encountered another person in my life that’s looked at me, knowing nothing about me and accepting everything.
Andrea cries. AGAIN.

Travis tries to lighten the mood with “It’s all good…it’s all good. It’s happy!” Translation: Mom, Dad, Sis, don’t worry. It’s all good. After that excruciating conversation there is no way in hell I am picking Moana the psycho. So let’s just relax, interrogate her a little bit more for the sake of the show, make her cry some more and you’ll never have to see her again.

Mom and Dad aren’t buying any of this and decide to take Moana off for some one on one time.

MR. STORK: I’m having a problem understanding why you’re attracted to our son.
MOANA: (Welling up): At no other point in my life have I looked at another human being where I saw my soul shining back at me. (Choking back sobs) And it was a point of recognition that I don’t know how to explain to you.
MR. STORK: (looking very uncomfortable) Okay...
MOANA: Because it rocked me to the core and I’m a pretty solid person. (Sure you are)I’ve been such a solid person (until I came on this show).
MR. STORK: Let’s assume for a second, Travis picks you. What are your intentions after the ceremonies (is there more than one ceremony, Mr. Stork? News to me).
MOANA: (Still crying) I don’t know what I believed before I walked in this door and I don’t know what I’ll believe when I walk out of it. But I can tell you I’ve had an experience with your son that I’ve never encountered with another human being (that would be multiple orgasms).

Travis walks Moana out. She seems to think the night went well. The Storks…not so much. It’s a unanimous vote for Sarah (except maybe Whitney, but then again, she’s got a twenty in her pocket and hasn’t been subjected to Moana’s crazy side).

The next day, both ladies get surprise visits from their mothers. Well, Sarah’s mom. We are treated to another lovely visit from Moana’s stepmother, Virginia, who when we last saw her, was disgusted by the whole Bachelor franchise and how it made a mockery of marriage. She isn’t however, disgusted by a free trip to Paris and so joins Moana in the city of lights. The moms are there to help pick out dresses for the rose ceremony and SURPRISE! engagement rings if Travis should propose. The girls pick out their dresses and decide on the same engagement ring. That’s about the only thing they have in common.

Nothing much to report about the final dates. Sarah tells Travis he’s perfect for her. She’s perfect for him. They are perfect together. Travis tells us he cannot say how he feels because he still doesn’t know who he’s going to pick. Yeah, right. I think that clip was from like three episodes ago. There is no way after the Moana outburst at dinner with the rentals is he picking Moana. But ABC has to string us along a little bit longer.

Moana cooks Travis dinner. I’m a maniac in the bedroom AND I can cook! Travis asks Moana why, if she cooked like this for the girls in the house every night, did they not get along? Um, Travis, did you see those bitches? They’re all a Size 0 and did not eat my fantastic food. They don’t appreciate me like you do. I don’t see myself when I look into their souls, or some crap like that… You get the point.

Finally, the FINAL rose ceremony is about to begin. Everyone looks like they are ready to throw up. Including Chris Harrison. Ha ha…Kidding. Anyway, the girls talk about the “journey” on their separate limo rides all the while Travis thinks of a way to let Moana down easy and hope she doesn’t throw a ballistic hissy fit in the grand hall of the chateau. The first limo pulls up. Who will it be? It’s not set in stone the first girl to arrive gets the boot. It’s Moana and CH escorts her into the chateau. She looks strangely confident. Poor baby…

“Hey Beautiful…” he says as she walks in. “Hi Handsome”. Oh God. Gag me. This is gonna be bad.

TRAVIS: Where shall I begin? From the very first night I met you, I was completely intrigued…I knew that underneath that initial conversation there were many layers. And I was nervous I was never going to see those layers (but you crying crack pot, I did). I knew you were beautiful. I found a woman who is passionate, has a lot of depth and has so much to offer and you showed that to me (along with the nasty tatoo on your fanny). We, throughout all of this, have had an amazing connection. An amazing connection, a beautiful connection. And that’s what I love about you. (Cue the dramatic music). BUT…if I listen to my heart I can’t choose you.

(Moana’s nostrils flare and she is clearly not breathing through her mouth.)

TRAVIS: And it’s not because everything we had here wasn’t real, because it was. In many ways it was exactly what we came here for (so you could rock my world), this incredible French romance. (Moves in for the goodbye hug). I’m really sorry.

(Travis’ mike must be directly hitting Moana’s chest because suddenly there is this unbelievable loud, crazy fast heartbeat. And it ain’t coming from Chris Harrison.)

MOANA: I’m really shocked. I’m really, truthfully shocked
TRAVIS: I want to explain, but there’s no good explanation. I shared something with you that was really special (multiple orgasms), but I had to make a choice-and it’s a choice about where do we go from here. And I didn’t know the answer (I do know the answer, but there is no way in hell I am telling you the truth, psycho).
MOANA: This has been an incredible experience for me. I learned a lot about myself. You’ll always have a piece of me that I can’t get back.
(He walks her to the limo.)
TRAVIS: I’m gonna miss you (and the crazy sex). You know that right?
MOANA: I can only hope (You'll never have the kind of sex with Miss "Tootie-Tot" you had with me, asshole). Under circumstances like this, no one ever knows.
(Travis feels awful. He shuts the door of the limo).
TRAVIS: I think Moana was shocked. That’s what makes it harder (my family jewels). The thing about Moana is she’s an emotional person (understatement of the year) and it was grueling for her to sit there and hear what I had to say.

(Cut to interior of limo. Moana is letting loose on Assistant Cameraman #2)

(Unfortunately readers, you will never have the full effect of just how disturbing Moana's fifth and final mental breakdown was. It needs to be seen to be believed. I, in no way can do it justice, so here it is word for word):
MOANA: (crying) I’m emotionally devastated. I’m so shocked. At first I thought it was a joke. I’ve just never been so vulnerable in my entire life. And just to be so dead wrong and to be made such a fool. (Hysterical crying.) To be completely convinced that your affections for someone are 100 percent reciprocated and to be smacked in the face… (Uncontrollable sobbing, to the point that I can’t really understand what the hell she is saying)…rejection like I received tonight is so hurtful and I feel like such a fool. The good girl always wins. Guys like that don’t marry girls like me. (I do feel a little bad for her right now) I feel right now, honestly, like I never should have opened up because this pain that I am feeling right now is so intense I just want to crawl back into my shell and just hide. The things I’ve been saying, I just thought, how could I be wrong? And it’s not about my pride, because screw my pride, but this was about my heart, which was so hard for me to give. I just feel so foolish. And so absolutely devastated.
(She is sobbing so hard now all you can hear are gasps and choking sounds.)

Oh sweet Jesus. Someone please get this girl some meds. Please, for her own sanity. Bye, bye Moana, we hardly knew ya…

At this point, it really doesn’t matter what happened next. You know what happened. Here’s a quick recap:

TRAVIS: and so, I’ve picked you Sarah.
SARAH: Me? Really?
TRAVIS: Really.
SARAH: Travis, you’re so perfect for me (#821, I’m counting.)
TRAVIS: No, Sarah, you’re perfect for me.
SARAH: No, you’re perfect for ME!
TRAVIS: No, YOU!
SARAH: No ME!
HARRISON: You’re both f*ing perfect. Now get the f*ck out of the studio!

Travis pulls a Guiney a gives Sarah the ring on a necklace. So they can see where things go. You know she’s walking around her apartment with that ring on, singing tunes from Disney movies. I predict Sarah and Travis will live happily ever after until he makes his move to the mountains and she stays in Nashville. But by then there will be a new Bachelor to watch and another 16 hours of my life I will never get back…