Desperate Housewives Indeed...

Mary Alice in happier times

Okay, a couple of days have passed since the season finale of “Desperate Housewives” so a recap might be too little too late. I apologize for that, but I do have a life, people, and its been pretty busy as of late. But enough about me, let’s talk Wisteria Lane:

Through a series of flashbacks we get to see how Mary Alice first met all the housewives. Fourteen years ago: Susan Meyer, filled with hope and optimism, moves in first and manages to lock herself in the moving truck (note to hair & makeup: Putting bangs on Teri Hatcher does not make her look any younger). Twelve years ago: Little Andrew Van de Kamp steals a lawn frog from Mary Alice, only to have it returned by his perfectionist mother, Bree and her husband Rex (Yea! Rex!) (Note to casting agent: nice job with the casting of little Andrew. He looked identical to the actor who plays him today and even had the smirk down). Eight years ago: Lynette and Tom Scavo move in and she’s pretty pissed he didn’t tell her twins runs in the family, cause she’s carrying Porter and Preston (note to script supervisor: is Parker older or younger than the twins? Because I always thought he was older, but that scene led me to believe she was pregnant for the first time. Just wondering.) Three years ago: Gabrielle and Carlos are newlyweds and having lots of sex (note to wardrobe: please, please, please do not ever show Carlos sans pants again. I don’t know why, but I didn’t like it). One year ago: Matthew Applewhite is trying unsuccessfully to break up with the most annoying character ever to show up on network television (and that includes Charles Nelson Reilly). Melanie Foster won’t let Matthew go, and in what we saw coming a mile away, he kills her and lets his mother believe it was his “different” brother, Caleb.

Back to the present: Matthew and Danielle have run away. Betty and Caleb are packing up and ready to move in the middle of the night when the cops come and arrest them both. They have evidence that Caleb killed Melanie Foster. But when the police show Betty a picture of Melanie’s dead body, she recognizes Matthew’s jacket over the body and comes to the conclusion it was Matthew, not Caleb, who killed Melanie. Whoever it was that killed her, THANK YOU, because that chick was a bitch with a capital B.

Susan and Julie have moved into a camper, thanks to Edie (who did not show up once in this episode) who burned down their house. Susan wants to stand on her own and until she can start to rebuild, this is where they will be living.

Mike, who hasn’t shown much interest in Susan since they broke up last season, has decided in the space of, oh I don’t know, two episodes, that he loves Susan and goes to by an engagement ring for her. Who should he run into at the jewelry store, but Carl, who insincerely wishes him and Susan the best. Carl, not to be outdone, buys a house for his “girls”, and lets it slip that he saw Mike buying Susan an engagement ring. Next thing you know, Carl and Mike are rolling around on the floor, smacking each other like two little girls and Carl hurls a salad shooter into Mike’s jaw. Later, Susan goes to visit Mike and recommends he see her dentist/friend, Orson. She asks him about the engagement ring, but he says nothing can happen between until she has Carl out of her life.

Bree has checked herself into a mental hospital for a little rest and relaxation. But she’s having a problem admitting any unpleasantries to her psychiatrist and really just wants some strong drugs to numb the pain (don’t we all?). There, she runs into Orson, Susan’s dentist/friend who’s visiting a patient. Since the rest of the housewives think Bree is at a spa, Orson promises to keep her secret.

Gabrielle heads to golf lessons alone, because Carlos has to pick up trash along the highway as part of his parole. While stopping for a drink at the club bar, she sees on the news that a man picking up trash on the highway has been killed in an accident. She rushes home as Xiao Mei comes outside to greet her. “Carlos is dead!” Gabrielle exclaims. “Please don’t kill Mr. Solis!” begs Xiao Mei. “He’s already dead!” Gabrielle cries. “No, Mr. Solis in kitchen.” It turns out Carlos paid Ralph the gardener to take his place on the highway, so it’s Ralph that’s dead, not Carlos. Gabrielle is relieved to find her husband alive and gives him a big hug. When she notices Carlos is a little sweaty he says he’s been working out. “Barefoot?” she asks. “Honey, a man is dead. Focus!” Ok, so here is what I don’t get. Carlos skips out on his parole work, a man is dead and he’s not accountable? Don’t you get in trouble for skipping stuff like that, let alone paying someone to go in your place? Wouldn’t the police notice it wasn’t Carlos when they find Ralph’s wallet? Just wondering…

Paul Young is in jail, after being framed by Felicia Tillman (the woman cut off her own fingers and left a trail of her blood in Paul’s house) while she hides away in some mountain resort. Paul tells Zach to get money from Noah, his biological grandfather, for his fancy-lawyer defense. Zach is hesitant, but Paul insists, even going as far to say that Mary Alice killed herself because of Zach. Zach goes to the dying Noah and asks for the money, under the guise he wants a new car. Noah knows the money is for Paul, and won’t give the man who killed his daughter one red cent. He goes on to tell Zach that Zach is weak and has no balls and he’ll never get any money out of him. So Zach kills him. Who has no balls now, Grandpa? Now all Zach has to do is sign a few papers and Noah’s entire “empire” is his. Paul calls, asking if Noah gave Zach the money. “No, he wouldn’t give it to me.” “Are you coming to see me tomorrow?” asks Paul. “Uh, no…I’ll get back to you on that.” Zach hands over his cell phone to Noah’s assistant/butler and tells him “Get me a phone with a new number”. Ouch. So cold, Zach…

Lynette is hiding at a motel with her four kids because she thinks Tom has been cheating on her. When Porter (or Preston, who can tell them apart?) falls off the hotel balcony, she calls Tom and he meets them at the hospital. She’s cut him out, but Tom explains he’s not fooling around; actually he just found out he has an 11 year old daughter, Kayla, from a one night stand with a dancer in Atlantic City. That’s why he’s been sneaking away every other weekend- to see his kid. Lynette and the kids go home with him. She agrees to meet Kayla and her mother, Nora, but only Nora shows up on Wisteria Lane. Is it me, or did Nora remind you of Loralei Gilmore, only not as pretty and definitely trashier? Anyway, Nora wants eleven years of back child support and because Tom is one big fat wuss, Lynette tries to come to his defense by explaining he just found out about Kayla and that would bankrupt them. The women go head to head as wimpy Tom pays the bill.


Gabrielle puts the moves on Carlos in bed but he’s not interested. “But you always want to have sex!” Gabrielle cries. “A man just died today,” he says, blaming his absent libido on Ralph’s death. Gabrielle asks Carlos why Xiao Mei said “Please don’t kill him” after Gabrielle said he was dead. Carlos blames bad English. Gabrielle’s not buying it. Gabrielle finds Xiao Mei doing the laundry and asks her why she said “please don’t kill him”. Xiao Mei too blames bad English. Gabrielle notices Xiao Mei’s underwear ripped to shreds in the laundry basket. “I fall down,” she says. Suspicious, she takes Xiao Mei to the OB/GYN under the guise of an examination and asks the doctor to find out if Xiao Mei is still a virgin. She isn’t. Uh Oh…


Mike visits Orson, the dentist, for his broken tooth (the result of the fight with Carl) and Orson asks him if he’s ever been in prison. Apparently Orson can tell that he has just by looking at his teeth. Mike says Orson looks familiar- any chance he worked at the prison in Kansas where Mike was? “Nope”, says Orson “the only prison work I did was while I was in medical school in Virginia.” “But your diploma says Minnesota,” Mike questions. “I’m licensed in three states,” Orson says as he sticks a very large needle into Mike’s gums. Hmmm...

FLASHBACK: Two years ago, Gabrielle is on the phone, yelling at Carlos because he is never home and she stuck around the new house all by herself. She decides to get back at Carlos by seducing John the Gardener (Yea! John the Gardener!). After their rendezvous in the garage, John tells Gabrielle that Carlos is probably playing around on her too. “Carlos doesn’t have an adulterous bone in his body”. Back in the present, Gaby decides to plan two-way baby monitors under her bed, Xiao Mei’s bed and the garage in the hopes of catching Carlos and Xiao Mei in the act.

At the mental hospital, Bree is checking her messages. Betty has left a message that Matthew is the one who killed Melanie Foster and she fears Danielle is in great danger. Bree panics and tries to leave, but her doctor won’t let her and they sedate her until she calms down. Ok, I know you are waiting for me to say it, but how awesome is the site of Marcia Cross being restrained in mental ward? Did you get major “Melrose Place” flashbacks or what? I did. I kept waiting for Michael Mancini to come in as her doctor. Now that would have awesome!

Matthew and Danielle are holed up in some sleazy motel, with no money and no plan. She’s hungry and when she’s hungry, she tells Matthew, she can be quite a bitch. She’s starting to remind Matthew of Melanie, and we all know how that turned out.

Susan for once makes a smart decision and declines Carl’s offer of the new house and asks him to sign the divorce papers, so she can marry Mike. She leaves an invitation with Mike to meet her at lover’s lane for a romantic dinner. He signals to her that he’ll see her there and Susan plans to propose to Mike.

Bree has a meeting with her psychiatrist. She explains her daughter is in danger and she that is why she was trying to leave. He wants her to talk about her children and she tells him her son is a sociopath and her daughter ran away with a murderer. He wants her to talk more about the bratty kids and she says she will do whatever she has to protect them. With that, she throws a box of sand in his face and runs for the door. As she hides, waiting for the front door to open, Orson notices her and she gives him the “shhhh” sign. He nods and as the guards run in the door, she sneaks out, on her way back home.

Susan and Gaby are at Lynette’s as Susan tells the girls about her romantic night with Mike. As they are talking, they overhear feedback from Lynette’s baby monitor. Only its not baby Penny, but Carlos and Xiao Mei. As they realize what’s going on, Lynette tries to shut it off, but Gaby is out the door, ready to find them in action. When she reaches the garage, she finds Carlos and a half naked Xiao Mei getting busy in Carlos’ car. Moments later, Xiao Mei walks back into the house with a smile on her face and is greeted by Gaby waiting for her on the stairs. “Are you done with my husband?” she asks Xiao Mei. “Good, I have a little project for you”. Carlos finds Gaby and Xiao Mei throwing his stuff out the second story window. Carlos says Gabrielle told him he could sleep with someone else (to make up for her affair with John) but Gabrielle says meaningless sex, not to sleep with the woman who is carrying their child. When they are done Xiao Mei wants to leave, but Gabrielle tells her she isn’t going anywhere, not as long as she has Gaby’s baby in her belly. Xiao Mei mutters under her breath and Gaby declares “I don’t know what that meant, but I didn’t like the tone. So just remember I am the boss of you or I am going to make this the worst nine months of your life.” Yikes…

Lynette and Tom plan to offer Nora thirty thousand dollars as a settlement and hope she will accept the money and waive her right to back child support. If she doesn’t, they could lose everything. Norah shows up and gives them the signed paper. This isn’t about extorting money from them, she says. She took the money and put it down on a little two bedroom a couple of blocks away, so Kayla could grow up with her new siblings and dad. Lynette and Tom are far from thrilled.

Susan sets up her camper at “Lovers Lane” for a romantic night with Mike. Mike leaves his house and is followed by a mystery car.

Having had enough of Danielle’s whining, Matthew and Danielle sneak back to Wisteria Lane in the hopes of breaking into Bree’s safe to steal some cash. When they can’t get it open, Matthew goes back to his house for a crowbar and is confronted by his mother (I thought she was leaving?) about Melanie’s death. He says he couldn’t tell her he killed Melanie because he knew she wouldn’t protect him like she would Caleb. Caleb needs me more, she reasons. Matthew’s not buying and heads back to the Van de Kamp’s. Betty picks up the phone and calls the police.

Matthew gets open the safe and Danielle takes the money. Just then Bree finds them in the kitchen and asks to speak to Danielle alone. “We’re leaving, Mom and you can’t stop us.” Bree tells Danielle Matthew is a murderer but Danielle doesn’t believe her. But when she sees Matthew point the gun at her mother, she has second thoughts. “I won’t give up on you like I did your brother,” Bree says calmly, the gun still pointed at her. “What’s the matter with you? I will shoot you!” yells Matthew. “If that’s what it takes to get my daughter to see who you really are, then fine.” Bree inches closer to Matthew as Danielle screams for him to put down the gun. Suddenly the window shatters and Matthew drops to the floor, the victim of a whole SWAT team out on the street (responding to Betty’s call). Danielle runs to Bree and let’s out a scream worthy of a really good B horror movie.

At Lovers Lane, Susan drinks some wine and gazes at her bare ring finger. Mike stops for flowers and looks at the engagement ring one last time. Just as he is about to cross the street to go meet Susan, he is run over and left for dead in the middle of the road. The driver is Orson! Now, I really thought it would be Carl because what does Orson have against Mike? Apparently quite a grudge… Hours later, the candles have burned down and Susan calls Mike for the last time. “I guess I misread your signal,” she says. Susan thinks she has been stood up.

Matthew’s body is wheeled out of the house as the whole neighborhood watches. The next morning, Betty and Caleb get into their moving van, never to be seen from again…

Yes, says Mary Alice, there will be unexpected bends in the road. Shocking surprises we didn’t see coming. But that’s really the point, don’t you think?

As Bree gets ready to leave her house, who should show up with flowers but Orson, checking on her to see how she’s doing since her “escape”. She smiles and invites him in…

So what’s in store for the ladies on Wisteria Lane? How will Tom’s new daughter affect his family and his relationship with Lynette? Will Nora try to make a move on Tom (I’m guessing yes). Will Mike live? Will Susan find out what happened to him? Are Betty and Caleb gone for good? Will Zach let his father rot in jail? What’s in store for Bree and Orson and why does Orson have it out for Mike (something to do with his friend in the mental hospital?) Will Andrew be back? Will Gabrielle forgive Carlos and just how far will she push Xiao Mei? Stay tuned!