Taylor Hicks is Your New American Idol!

Soul Patrol!

Wow- what a show. As you probably already know, I’m talking about the “American Idol” finale Wednesday night. I was genuinely surprised at how spectacular it was. Now, I’m a bit of an Idol newbie- I watched the first season (whatever happened to Justin Guarini???) and missed all the seasons between then and now, so I have no idea if they put on such a showcase in years past. So if they did, maybe some of you were not as surprised as I was at the overabundance of special guest stars. But I’m getting ahead of myself. First, let’s talk about the montage of moments for each judge. Randy: what you should take away from your montage is that you say “dawg” and “dude”. A lot. Too much. Next season, let’s work on a new catchphrase. I’ll get back to you with some suggestions. Simon: you touch yourself way too much. I know you like it, but save that for the privacy of your own home, okay? Paula: I have saved you for last because at this stage in the game, I can no longer stand the sight of you and wish you would just go back to whatever high-security mental hospital you escaped from. But since you have signed on for three more seasons (God help us all) I will offer you this piece of advice: Go easy on the cocktails. You cry all the time like an infant with a wet diaper. As anyone who has had to search for their underwear at three in the morning will tell you, alcohol lowers your inhibitions, making you more susceptible to showing your emotions. And why are you always hitting Simon? Didn’t you learn in kindergarten it’s not nice to slap the other kids? Maybe that’s why Simon is always grabbing his boobies: he’s trying to protect them from you.

OK, back to the show. Out comes Carrie Underwood, looking absolutely stunning. She’s come a long way from that crinkly perm she had last year. She’s singing “I Made it Through the Rain” and is joined by Kat, Taylor and the rest of the top twelve Idols. Melissa! I totally forgot about her. They are all dressed in white like they’ve died and gone to heaven. The Idols are leaving the heavy lifting to Carrie Underwood, as you can tell most of them (namely Taylor!) aren’t singing along to the right words.

After an unsuccessful attempt at witty banter, Seacrest introduces Paris Bennett, who is joined onstage by Al Jarreau and I am reminded of how great a singer little Paris is. I thought the Al Jarreau thing was a fluke, but suddenly we’ve got all our Idols singing with the rich and famous: Elliott and Mary J. Blige; Taylor and Toni Braxton (why they didn’t pair Michael McDonald with Taylor is beyond me); Chris and Live; and in what can only be further evidence that the Idol bigwigs have it in for Katherine, they pair her with Meatloaf, who stuttered through “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now”. First they give her that crappy song from Tuesday and now she’s got to sing with Meatloaf, who can barely remember the words to his own song. This, along with Chris being eliminated a couple of weeks ago, just further cements my theory that it’s one big Soul Patrol conspiracy. Whatever…

Seacrest gives out some awards, the Golden Idols. This is all pretty lame until what happens next made this the best episode of television, EVER…I think this was for Best Male Performance, and they go through three former contestants auditions to pick the one they think is the crappiest one of all. (Side note: I did not watch AI during the audition process, so all of these clips are new to me). The last “Best Male Performance” nominee is Michael Sandecki, Clay Aiken’s number one fan. He screeches through his audition and just when Simon is ready to kick him out, MiClay (my new nickname for him) blames nerves and the fact that he has to pee. So Simon, ever the sport, says well go pee and come back and do it over. MiClay runs to the bathroom, does his business, and returns fresh. You think for a moment that maybe, just maybe, this will improve his performance. It does not. He gets three notes out and is interrupted by Simon: “Thank you and goodbye”. Back to Seacrest at the Kodak Theater and he announces that MiClay has won Best Male Performance, and who should show up to collect his award and more abuse, but MiClay. MiClay begins to sing a little Aiken, and suddenly the crowd goes apeshit. MiClay clutches his chest as if to say, “No, stop it!” because he thinks the thunderous applause is for him. When he finally comes to his senses, he turns around and behind him is the REAL Clay, looking like a cross between Edward Scissorhands and K.D. Lang. MiClay jumps up, over and backwards at the sight of his Idol. The kid went HYSTERICAL. I peed my pants. I think I hit rewind twenty times, it was so amusing. I was laughing so hard I almost choked on my own saliva. Then, as if it can’t get any better, MiClay decides to join in on “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” as if he has just been crowned Miss American Idol (I had to go there). Finally, Seacrest pulls up a stool and forces MiClay to have a seat so the real Clay can finish out his number. It was, in my opinion, the best moment of the night.

Burt Bacharach comes out and the Idols, ladies in red, men in black, belt out some of his tunes. I miss Mandisa!....

Let’s see have I forgotten anything? Well, the Idols come out to sing some more tunes and it is painfully obvious Chris Daughtry was made for better things than this. Chris should consider himself lucky- after the painful “American Idols” tour he is contracted to do through the summer, he is free to join Live, Fuel, or go out on his own and not be obligated to American Idol for the rest of his life. And I really do believe in a couple of years he will be as successful as Kelly Clarkson and will almost be able to shake the stigma of being third runner up in Season Five of “American Idol”. While watching the former idols perform together, it is crystal clear who has talent (Mandisa!, Paris, Elliott, Chris) and who does not (Ace, Kevin, Kelly, Bucky, Lisa and Melissa). Mandisa! killed with “I’m Every Woman” and Elliot owned “A House is Not a Home”. It makes me sad that we will probably never see those two again.

Can someone please tell Heather Locklear to comb her hair? Thanks.

Seacrest teases us that they have used up all the celebs of the night, but suddenly…OH MY GOD….Is it PRINCE? It is…the Purple One is on the American Idol stage. Wow. That just goes to show how influential American Idol is with record sales. And guess who has a new album? Yes, the Purple One. By the way, I always knew Prince was the gayest straight man on the planet, but did he really need to go with the eye shadow? I mean, there was serious contouring going on there. A nice base, with some violet in the crease and a taupe to really make the eyes pop out. Ok, I may be the gayest straight man (trapped in a woman’s body…)

Now we’re down to the final moment. There really isn’t much anticipation, because if you think McPheever will prevail over the Soul Patrol, you’re nuts. So Seacrest announces the winner is Taylor and the whole place goes ballistic. And I have to say, Katherine did a pretty good job of looking happy for him. Cut to the audience, where we have a shot of Taylor’s dad crying, his brother crying and David Hasselhoff, CRYING. Sweet lord. Hasselhoff? I’m presuming Taylor was forced to sing that horrible song written just for him “Do I Make You Proud?”, but I don’t know because Mr. TIVO cut the recording at exactly 10PM and the show apparently went over. So I missed the big ending. And unless Clay Aiken and MiClay came out for an encore, I don’t really care.

Well, another season, another winner. I don’t think Taylor will sell records like Kelly Clarkson, but I do think he’ll fare better than Reuben. Only time will tell. Until next January, friends…keep the MiClay alive!!