Taylor Hicks is Your New American Idol!

Soul Patrol!

Wow- what a show. As you probably already know, I’m talking about the “American Idol” finale Wednesday night. I was genuinely surprised at how spectacular it was. Now, I’m a bit of an Idol newbie- I watched the first season (whatever happened to Justin Guarini???) and missed all the seasons between then and now, so I have no idea if they put on such a showcase in years past. So if they did, maybe some of you were not as surprised as I was at the overabundance of special guest stars. But I’m getting ahead of myself. First, let’s talk about the montage of moments for each judge. Randy: what you should take away from your montage is that you say “dawg” and “dude”. A lot. Too much. Next season, let’s work on a new catchphrase. I’ll get back to you with some suggestions. Simon: you touch yourself way too much. I know you like it, but save that for the privacy of your own home, okay? Paula: I have saved you for last because at this stage in the game, I can no longer stand the sight of you and wish you would just go back to whatever high-security mental hospital you escaped from. But since you have signed on for three more seasons (God help us all) I will offer you this piece of advice: Go easy on the cocktails. You cry all the time like an infant with a wet diaper. As anyone who has had to search for their underwear at three in the morning will tell you, alcohol lowers your inhibitions, making you more susceptible to showing your emotions. And why are you always hitting Simon? Didn’t you learn in kindergarten it’s not nice to slap the other kids? Maybe that’s why Simon is always grabbing his boobies: he’s trying to protect them from you.

OK, back to the show. Out comes Carrie Underwood, looking absolutely stunning. She’s come a long way from that crinkly perm she had last year. She’s singing “I Made it Through the Rain” and is joined by Kat, Taylor and the rest of the top twelve Idols. Melissa! I totally forgot about her. They are all dressed in white like they’ve died and gone to heaven. The Idols are leaving the heavy lifting to Carrie Underwood, as you can tell most of them (namely Taylor!) aren’t singing along to the right words.

After an unsuccessful attempt at witty banter, Seacrest introduces Paris Bennett, who is joined onstage by Al Jarreau and I am reminded of how great a singer little Paris is. I thought the Al Jarreau thing was a fluke, but suddenly we’ve got all our Idols singing with the rich and famous: Elliott and Mary J. Blige; Taylor and Toni Braxton (why they didn’t pair Michael McDonald with Taylor is beyond me); Chris and Live; and in what can only be further evidence that the Idol bigwigs have it in for Katherine, they pair her with Meatloaf, who stuttered through “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now”. First they give her that crappy song from Tuesday and now she’s got to sing with Meatloaf, who can barely remember the words to his own song. This, along with Chris being eliminated a couple of weeks ago, just further cements my theory that it’s one big Soul Patrol conspiracy. Whatever…

Seacrest gives out some awards, the Golden Idols. This is all pretty lame until what happens next made this the best episode of television, EVER…I think this was for Best Male Performance, and they go through three former contestants auditions to pick the one they think is the crappiest one of all. (Side note: I did not watch AI during the audition process, so all of these clips are new to me). The last “Best Male Performance” nominee is Michael Sandecki, Clay Aiken’s number one fan. He screeches through his audition and just when Simon is ready to kick him out, MiClay (my new nickname for him) blames nerves and the fact that he has to pee. So Simon, ever the sport, says well go pee and come back and do it over. MiClay runs to the bathroom, does his business, and returns fresh. You think for a moment that maybe, just maybe, this will improve his performance. It does not. He gets three notes out and is interrupted by Simon: “Thank you and goodbye”. Back to Seacrest at the Kodak Theater and he announces that MiClay has won Best Male Performance, and who should show up to collect his award and more abuse, but MiClay. MiClay begins to sing a little Aiken, and suddenly the crowd goes apeshit. MiClay clutches his chest as if to say, “No, stop it!” because he thinks the thunderous applause is for him. When he finally comes to his senses, he turns around and behind him is the REAL Clay, looking like a cross between Edward Scissorhands and K.D. Lang. MiClay jumps up, over and backwards at the sight of his Idol. The kid went HYSTERICAL. I peed my pants. I think I hit rewind twenty times, it was so amusing. I was laughing so hard I almost choked on my own saliva. Then, as if it can’t get any better, MiClay decides to join in on “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” as if he has just been crowned Miss American Idol (I had to go there). Finally, Seacrest pulls up a stool and forces MiClay to have a seat so the real Clay can finish out his number. It was, in my opinion, the best moment of the night.

Burt Bacharach comes out and the Idols, ladies in red, men in black, belt out some of his tunes. I miss Mandisa!....

Let’s see have I forgotten anything? Well, the Idols come out to sing some more tunes and it is painfully obvious Chris Daughtry was made for better things than this. Chris should consider himself lucky- after the painful “American Idols” tour he is contracted to do through the summer, he is free to join Live, Fuel, or go out on his own and not be obligated to American Idol for the rest of his life. And I really do believe in a couple of years he will be as successful as Kelly Clarkson and will almost be able to shake the stigma of being third runner up in Season Five of “American Idol”. While watching the former idols perform together, it is crystal clear who has talent (Mandisa!, Paris, Elliott, Chris) and who does not (Ace, Kevin, Kelly, Bucky, Lisa and Melissa). Mandisa! killed with “I’m Every Woman” and Elliot owned “A House is Not a Home”. It makes me sad that we will probably never see those two again.

Can someone please tell Heather Locklear to comb her hair? Thanks.

Seacrest teases us that they have used up all the celebs of the night, but suddenly…OH MY GOD….Is it PRINCE? It is…the Purple One is on the American Idol stage. Wow. That just goes to show how influential American Idol is with record sales. And guess who has a new album? Yes, the Purple One. By the way, I always knew Prince was the gayest straight man on the planet, but did he really need to go with the eye shadow? I mean, there was serious contouring going on there. A nice base, with some violet in the crease and a taupe to really make the eyes pop out. Ok, I may be the gayest straight man (trapped in a woman’s body…)

Now we’re down to the final moment. There really isn’t much anticipation, because if you think McPheever will prevail over the Soul Patrol, you’re nuts. So Seacrest announces the winner is Taylor and the whole place goes ballistic. And I have to say, Katherine did a pretty good job of looking happy for him. Cut to the audience, where we have a shot of Taylor’s dad crying, his brother crying and David Hasselhoff, CRYING. Sweet lord. Hasselhoff? I’m presuming Taylor was forced to sing that horrible song written just for him “Do I Make You Proud?”, but I don’t know because Mr. TIVO cut the recording at exactly 10PM and the show apparently went over. So I missed the big ending. And unless Clay Aiken and MiClay came out for an encore, I don’t really care.

Well, another season, another winner. I don’t think Taylor will sell records like Kelly Clarkson, but I do think he’ll fare better than Reuben. Only time will tell. Until next January, friends…keep the MiClay alive!!

Desperate Housewives Indeed...

Mary Alice in happier times

Okay, a couple of days have passed since the season finale of “Desperate Housewives” so a recap might be too little too late. I apologize for that, but I do have a life, people, and its been pretty busy as of late. But enough about me, let’s talk Wisteria Lane:

Through a series of flashbacks we get to see how Mary Alice first met all the housewives. Fourteen years ago: Susan Meyer, filled with hope and optimism, moves in first and manages to lock herself in the moving truck (note to hair & makeup: Putting bangs on Teri Hatcher does not make her look any younger). Twelve years ago: Little Andrew Van de Kamp steals a lawn frog from Mary Alice, only to have it returned by his perfectionist mother, Bree and her husband Rex (Yea! Rex!) (Note to casting agent: nice job with the casting of little Andrew. He looked identical to the actor who plays him today and even had the smirk down). Eight years ago: Lynette and Tom Scavo move in and she’s pretty pissed he didn’t tell her twins runs in the family, cause she’s carrying Porter and Preston (note to script supervisor: is Parker older or younger than the twins? Because I always thought he was older, but that scene led me to believe she was pregnant for the first time. Just wondering.) Three years ago: Gabrielle and Carlos are newlyweds and having lots of sex (note to wardrobe: please, please, please do not ever show Carlos sans pants again. I don’t know why, but I didn’t like it). One year ago: Matthew Applewhite is trying unsuccessfully to break up with the most annoying character ever to show up on network television (and that includes Charles Nelson Reilly). Melanie Foster won’t let Matthew go, and in what we saw coming a mile away, he kills her and lets his mother believe it was his “different” brother, Caleb.

Back to the present: Matthew and Danielle have run away. Betty and Caleb are packing up and ready to move in the middle of the night when the cops come and arrest them both. They have evidence that Caleb killed Melanie Foster. But when the police show Betty a picture of Melanie’s dead body, she recognizes Matthew’s jacket over the body and comes to the conclusion it was Matthew, not Caleb, who killed Melanie. Whoever it was that killed her, THANK YOU, because that chick was a bitch with a capital B.

Susan and Julie have moved into a camper, thanks to Edie (who did not show up once in this episode) who burned down their house. Susan wants to stand on her own and until she can start to rebuild, this is where they will be living.

Mike, who hasn’t shown much interest in Susan since they broke up last season, has decided in the space of, oh I don’t know, two episodes, that he loves Susan and goes to by an engagement ring for her. Who should he run into at the jewelry store, but Carl, who insincerely wishes him and Susan the best. Carl, not to be outdone, buys a house for his “girls”, and lets it slip that he saw Mike buying Susan an engagement ring. Next thing you know, Carl and Mike are rolling around on the floor, smacking each other like two little girls and Carl hurls a salad shooter into Mike’s jaw. Later, Susan goes to visit Mike and recommends he see her dentist/friend, Orson. She asks him about the engagement ring, but he says nothing can happen between until she has Carl out of her life.

Bree has checked herself into a mental hospital for a little rest and relaxation. But she’s having a problem admitting any unpleasantries to her psychiatrist and really just wants some strong drugs to numb the pain (don’t we all?). There, she runs into Orson, Susan’s dentist/friend who’s visiting a patient. Since the rest of the housewives think Bree is at a spa, Orson promises to keep her secret.

Gabrielle heads to golf lessons alone, because Carlos has to pick up trash along the highway as part of his parole. While stopping for a drink at the club bar, she sees on the news that a man picking up trash on the highway has been killed in an accident. She rushes home as Xiao Mei comes outside to greet her. “Carlos is dead!” Gabrielle exclaims. “Please don’t kill Mr. Solis!” begs Xiao Mei. “He’s already dead!” Gabrielle cries. “No, Mr. Solis in kitchen.” It turns out Carlos paid Ralph the gardener to take his place on the highway, so it’s Ralph that’s dead, not Carlos. Gabrielle is relieved to find her husband alive and gives him a big hug. When she notices Carlos is a little sweaty he says he’s been working out. “Barefoot?” she asks. “Honey, a man is dead. Focus!” Ok, so here is what I don’t get. Carlos skips out on his parole work, a man is dead and he’s not accountable? Don’t you get in trouble for skipping stuff like that, let alone paying someone to go in your place? Wouldn’t the police notice it wasn’t Carlos when they find Ralph’s wallet? Just wondering…

Paul Young is in jail, after being framed by Felicia Tillman (the woman cut off her own fingers and left a trail of her blood in Paul’s house) while she hides away in some mountain resort. Paul tells Zach to get money from Noah, his biological grandfather, for his fancy-lawyer defense. Zach is hesitant, but Paul insists, even going as far to say that Mary Alice killed herself because of Zach. Zach goes to the dying Noah and asks for the money, under the guise he wants a new car. Noah knows the money is for Paul, and won’t give the man who killed his daughter one red cent. He goes on to tell Zach that Zach is weak and has no balls and he’ll never get any money out of him. So Zach kills him. Who has no balls now, Grandpa? Now all Zach has to do is sign a few papers and Noah’s entire “empire” is his. Paul calls, asking if Noah gave Zach the money. “No, he wouldn’t give it to me.” “Are you coming to see me tomorrow?” asks Paul. “Uh, no…I’ll get back to you on that.” Zach hands over his cell phone to Noah’s assistant/butler and tells him “Get me a phone with a new number”. Ouch. So cold, Zach…

Lynette is hiding at a motel with her four kids because she thinks Tom has been cheating on her. When Porter (or Preston, who can tell them apart?) falls off the hotel balcony, she calls Tom and he meets them at the hospital. She’s cut him out, but Tom explains he’s not fooling around; actually he just found out he has an 11 year old daughter, Kayla, from a one night stand with a dancer in Atlantic City. That’s why he’s been sneaking away every other weekend- to see his kid. Lynette and the kids go home with him. She agrees to meet Kayla and her mother, Nora, but only Nora shows up on Wisteria Lane. Is it me, or did Nora remind you of Loralei Gilmore, only not as pretty and definitely trashier? Anyway, Nora wants eleven years of back child support and because Tom is one big fat wuss, Lynette tries to come to his defense by explaining he just found out about Kayla and that would bankrupt them. The women go head to head as wimpy Tom pays the bill.


Gabrielle puts the moves on Carlos in bed but he’s not interested. “But you always want to have sex!” Gabrielle cries. “A man just died today,” he says, blaming his absent libido on Ralph’s death. Gabrielle asks Carlos why Xiao Mei said “Please don’t kill him” after Gabrielle said he was dead. Carlos blames bad English. Gabrielle’s not buying it. Gabrielle finds Xiao Mei doing the laundry and asks her why she said “please don’t kill him”. Xiao Mei too blames bad English. Gabrielle notices Xiao Mei’s underwear ripped to shreds in the laundry basket. “I fall down,” she says. Suspicious, she takes Xiao Mei to the OB/GYN under the guise of an examination and asks the doctor to find out if Xiao Mei is still a virgin. She isn’t. Uh Oh…


Mike visits Orson, the dentist, for his broken tooth (the result of the fight with Carl) and Orson asks him if he’s ever been in prison. Apparently Orson can tell that he has just by looking at his teeth. Mike says Orson looks familiar- any chance he worked at the prison in Kansas where Mike was? “Nope”, says Orson “the only prison work I did was while I was in medical school in Virginia.” “But your diploma says Minnesota,” Mike questions. “I’m licensed in three states,” Orson says as he sticks a very large needle into Mike’s gums. Hmmm...

FLASHBACK: Two years ago, Gabrielle is on the phone, yelling at Carlos because he is never home and she stuck around the new house all by herself. She decides to get back at Carlos by seducing John the Gardener (Yea! John the Gardener!). After their rendezvous in the garage, John tells Gabrielle that Carlos is probably playing around on her too. “Carlos doesn’t have an adulterous bone in his body”. Back in the present, Gaby decides to plan two-way baby monitors under her bed, Xiao Mei’s bed and the garage in the hopes of catching Carlos and Xiao Mei in the act.

At the mental hospital, Bree is checking her messages. Betty has left a message that Matthew is the one who killed Melanie Foster and she fears Danielle is in great danger. Bree panics and tries to leave, but her doctor won’t let her and they sedate her until she calms down. Ok, I know you are waiting for me to say it, but how awesome is the site of Marcia Cross being restrained in mental ward? Did you get major “Melrose Place” flashbacks or what? I did. I kept waiting for Michael Mancini to come in as her doctor. Now that would have awesome!

Matthew and Danielle are holed up in some sleazy motel, with no money and no plan. She’s hungry and when she’s hungry, she tells Matthew, she can be quite a bitch. She’s starting to remind Matthew of Melanie, and we all know how that turned out.

Susan for once makes a smart decision and declines Carl’s offer of the new house and asks him to sign the divorce papers, so she can marry Mike. She leaves an invitation with Mike to meet her at lover’s lane for a romantic dinner. He signals to her that he’ll see her there and Susan plans to propose to Mike.

Bree has a meeting with her psychiatrist. She explains her daughter is in danger and she that is why she was trying to leave. He wants her to talk about her children and she tells him her son is a sociopath and her daughter ran away with a murderer. He wants her to talk more about the bratty kids and she says she will do whatever she has to protect them. With that, she throws a box of sand in his face and runs for the door. As she hides, waiting for the front door to open, Orson notices her and she gives him the “shhhh” sign. He nods and as the guards run in the door, she sneaks out, on her way back home.

Susan and Gaby are at Lynette’s as Susan tells the girls about her romantic night with Mike. As they are talking, they overhear feedback from Lynette’s baby monitor. Only its not baby Penny, but Carlos and Xiao Mei. As they realize what’s going on, Lynette tries to shut it off, but Gaby is out the door, ready to find them in action. When she reaches the garage, she finds Carlos and a half naked Xiao Mei getting busy in Carlos’ car. Moments later, Xiao Mei walks back into the house with a smile on her face and is greeted by Gaby waiting for her on the stairs. “Are you done with my husband?” she asks Xiao Mei. “Good, I have a little project for you”. Carlos finds Gaby and Xiao Mei throwing his stuff out the second story window. Carlos says Gabrielle told him he could sleep with someone else (to make up for her affair with John) but Gabrielle says meaningless sex, not to sleep with the woman who is carrying their child. When they are done Xiao Mei wants to leave, but Gabrielle tells her she isn’t going anywhere, not as long as she has Gaby’s baby in her belly. Xiao Mei mutters under her breath and Gaby declares “I don’t know what that meant, but I didn’t like the tone. So just remember I am the boss of you or I am going to make this the worst nine months of your life.” Yikes…

Lynette and Tom plan to offer Nora thirty thousand dollars as a settlement and hope she will accept the money and waive her right to back child support. If she doesn’t, they could lose everything. Norah shows up and gives them the signed paper. This isn’t about extorting money from them, she says. She took the money and put it down on a little two bedroom a couple of blocks away, so Kayla could grow up with her new siblings and dad. Lynette and Tom are far from thrilled.

Susan sets up her camper at “Lovers Lane” for a romantic night with Mike. Mike leaves his house and is followed by a mystery car.

Having had enough of Danielle’s whining, Matthew and Danielle sneak back to Wisteria Lane in the hopes of breaking into Bree’s safe to steal some cash. When they can’t get it open, Matthew goes back to his house for a crowbar and is confronted by his mother (I thought she was leaving?) about Melanie’s death. He says he couldn’t tell her he killed Melanie because he knew she wouldn’t protect him like she would Caleb. Caleb needs me more, she reasons. Matthew’s not buying and heads back to the Van de Kamp’s. Betty picks up the phone and calls the police.

Matthew gets open the safe and Danielle takes the money. Just then Bree finds them in the kitchen and asks to speak to Danielle alone. “We’re leaving, Mom and you can’t stop us.” Bree tells Danielle Matthew is a murderer but Danielle doesn’t believe her. But when she sees Matthew point the gun at her mother, she has second thoughts. “I won’t give up on you like I did your brother,” Bree says calmly, the gun still pointed at her. “What’s the matter with you? I will shoot you!” yells Matthew. “If that’s what it takes to get my daughter to see who you really are, then fine.” Bree inches closer to Matthew as Danielle screams for him to put down the gun. Suddenly the window shatters and Matthew drops to the floor, the victim of a whole SWAT team out on the street (responding to Betty’s call). Danielle runs to Bree and let’s out a scream worthy of a really good B horror movie.

At Lovers Lane, Susan drinks some wine and gazes at her bare ring finger. Mike stops for flowers and looks at the engagement ring one last time. Just as he is about to cross the street to go meet Susan, he is run over and left for dead in the middle of the road. The driver is Orson! Now, I really thought it would be Carl because what does Orson have against Mike? Apparently quite a grudge… Hours later, the candles have burned down and Susan calls Mike for the last time. “I guess I misread your signal,” she says. Susan thinks she has been stood up.

Matthew’s body is wheeled out of the house as the whole neighborhood watches. The next morning, Betty and Caleb get into their moving van, never to be seen from again…

Yes, says Mary Alice, there will be unexpected bends in the road. Shocking surprises we didn’t see coming. But that’s really the point, don’t you think?

As Bree gets ready to leave her house, who should show up with flowers but Orson, checking on her to see how she’s doing since her “escape”. She smiles and invites him in…

So what’s in store for the ladies on Wisteria Lane? How will Tom’s new daughter affect his family and his relationship with Lynette? Will Nora try to make a move on Tom (I’m guessing yes). Will Mike live? Will Susan find out what happened to him? Are Betty and Caleb gone for good? Will Zach let his father rot in jail? What’s in store for Bree and Orson and why does Orson have it out for Mike (something to do with his friend in the mental hospital?) Will Andrew be back? Will Gabrielle forgive Carlos and just how far will she push Xiao Mei? Stay tuned!

Torn Between Two Lovers...Feeling Like a Fool

I wish I had Meredith's problems...


Okay, I need to clear up a couple of things. First, many people commented to me that I had nothing to say about the shocking omission of Chris Daughtry from last week’s "American Idol". The reason is two fold. One, the shock threw me into a drug induced haze for three days and two, there’s nothing to say. I have mixed emotions about American Idol. How the 48 billion people (or whatever the number SeacrestOut announces at the beginning of every Wednesday’s show) in this country that voted and managed to (bleep) Chris out of first place is beyond me. He is clearly like nothing I have seen on Idol before and deserved to win. I know Taylor is fun and he dances and prances all over the stage, but come on. What it really comes down to is, can Taylor sell CD’s? You won’t be able to see him dancing and having epileptic seizures when you listen (listen, not watch) to his CD. And I love Taylor. I think he’s adorable. Just not "American Idol" material or the best singer in the competition. The same cannot be said for Katherine. Now she was born to be "American Idol". But she bugs me. I loved her when this whole cheesefest began, but now she’s just annoying. We love humility- that’s why Kellie Pickler lasted so long. But Katherine has an “I’m better than this” attitude and practically says to Simon “Oh no, you didn’t!” when he criticizes her performance. Can you say DIVA? So that’s why starting today I will have an “ELLIOT is MY IDOL" sign on my front lawn for all to see and switch my wireless phone service to Cingular Wireless so I can text in my vote as well as call in. I’m rooting for you, little buddy. You can do it!

Thing to clear up #2: See that column to your right? The one that says “Check out these links!”? I mentioned last week about “new” movie trailers you should check out and the links were under that heading. This was a joke, people. As much as I would love for there to be a Titanic II: Jack’s Back, its not going to happen. And for anyone who has ever seen The Shining, it certainly isn’t a comedy. These were just a couple of examples of some very talented filmmakers who used their editing skills to cut a trailer and make it appear completely different from what the actual tone of the movie is. You can see more of these at http://www.ifilm.com/viralvideo/collection/trailerremixes

Ok, now on to business:

I’m saving my wrap up of “Desperate Housewives” for next week, after the season finale. Because there was three hours of “Grey’s Anatomy” over the last two days to cover, and there’s a lot to cover…

Ok, so just a couple of things before I get down to the nitty-gritty: Why hire a hunk (did I just say that?) like Chris O’Donnell if you are just going to use him as bookends for the episode? Until last night, we basically saw Finn “Dr. McYummy” Dandrige at the beginning of the last three episodes and then again at the very end. That’s just mean. It was hard to focus on all the other drama going on because I was just waiting for one more glimpse of him. So I’m happy to report he showed up a bit more frequently in the two-hour season finale, albeit not enough in my book (my “#1 Chris O’Donnell Fan” button should be here any down now). There are two major plotlines happening as we round out Season Two of GA. The Izzie/Denny/Heart Transplant storyline and the Meredith/McDreamy/Finn/Addison love tornado. Denny needs a new heart, STAT. He has his choice of two waiting for him a helicopter ride away so Burke and Alex haul ass to go retrieve it. Izzie, who is walking a very thin line as far as her medical career is concerned, tells Denny the new heart is on its way and they become very optimistic about their future together. Meanwhile, the rest of the docs are busy with patients suffering from gunshot wounds from a crazy former employee who shot up a restaurant who was trying to kill his former boss. Cristina is still obsessing about falling asleep during sex with Burke and George is FINALLY moving on from his fight with Meredith and into the arms of the slightly psycho Callie. Meredith and Derek learn Doc has cancer and Addison and Derek have a shout down in front of everyone and Addison exclaims “The only people who don’t know that Derek loves Meredith are Derek and Meredith!” I think she read my letter from last week.

So where do I begin? Burke and Alex go to retrieve the heart, only to find out that Donor #1 died and there is only one heart left and there are two ego-tripping surgeons (Burke and his nemesis from John Hopkins) dying to get their hands on it. So while they do a little musical number of “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better”, Denny and Patient John Doe get a little closer to death. Ok, there was no musical number, but you catch my drift. Problem is, John Doe was placed on the donor list seventeen seconds before Denny, which puts him first in line for the heart. The only way Denny is gonna get the heart is if he’s in more critical condition than John Doe. Enter Izzie. Izzie somehow gets wind of this, and in a state of extreme panic, the likes of which I have never seen up close, she comes up with the brilliant idea to practically kill Denny so his status becomes critical and he is bumped up the donor list to number one. But its okay, because Burke’s on his way back to Seattle Grace to help out Denny and Izzie with this convoluted mess and we all know he’s the best cardiac surgeon in the world and he’ll fix whatever the hell Izzie purposely screwed up. But just as Izzie gets ready to cut Denny’s LVAD (don’t ask), Pete, the deranged gun-toting former employee returns to finish off his boss but somehow manages to shoot Burke just as Izzie cuts the LVAD. Uh Oh…

By this time, all of the interns are in Denny’s room, flipping out about what Izzie has done. It’s okay, she says, Burke’s on his way. Um, no Izzie. After Cristina learns her boyfriend has been shot, she informs Izzie that Burke is not on his way. Izzie, George and Cristina are freaking out and the only person trying to remain calm is Meredith. Denny goes into cardiac arrest and says to Izzie, “Marry me”. Ok. Let’s back up a minute. When did Izzie and Denny get to a level of “Marry me”? Yes, they care for each other and their attraction has gone beyond flirtation. But “Marry me”? Izzie, let me explain something to you. When a guy who is about to breathe his last breath says marry me, you can’t really take it seriously. Kind of like when you have sex and he says “I love you.” Same thing. So just think about that while I get back to the story. This is when Bailey comes in and for some reason knows exactly what the interns are up to. Bottom line, although fuming, she signs the papers that Denny needs the heart transplant and within minutes Alex has the heart and the #2 surgeon in the world on their way back to Seattle Grace to perform Denny’s operation.

Meredith, Derek and Addison manage to slip away from the hospital and decide to put Doc the dog to sleep. Obviously Doc represents in some way Meredith and Derek’s relationship and by Doc dying it signifies the end of Mer and Der as well. But do we really have to sacrifice Doc and watch him die? Jesus. Now that was heartbreaking.

Meanwhile, Derek and the Chief are operating on Burke and they need Cristina to keep him focused and calm. But she cannot do this because she is the worst girlfriend in the world. I don’t get her. Your man is on the table, being operated on, he will possibly become paralyzed and lose the use of the #1 cardiac operating hand in the country and you can’t even sit with him and comfort him? You suck.

Bailey lets the Chief in on what happened to Denny. He’s pissed. She’s pissed. He wants answers. She’s not telling. He hauls each intern into his office to find out exactly who it was that cut the LVAD. Chief: Bernie the maintenance man knows it was Denny’s fiancé Izzie who cut the LVAD, so how do you not know? Just wondering. Instead of answering the chief’s question, each intern uses the time to work out their own issues. But I loved when the Chief asks Meredith who’s responsible and she’s basically like, “you screwed my mother, broke up my parents marriage…I’m not telling. You owe me.” You go girl.

So since no one’s talking and the Chief still hasn’t figured out it was Izzie, he decides that the gang has to throw a prom in the hospital for his niece who has cancer. I say gang, because this reminds me of something that would happen on “Beverly Hills 90210” and instead of the Peach Pit, they’ll hold the prom at the nurses station. This is where the show went a little off track. I understand you want to dress them up because besides Addison, we never see anyone wearing anything other than scrubs. And any excuse to put McDreamy and McYummy in a tux is okay by me. But where did the ladies get those gorgeous gowns? Does a surgical intern have evening wear, sitting around in her closet, just in the off chance the Chief decides to throw a prom in the hospital? I’m thinking no. But the gang has decked the place out and everyone is there. Meredith shows up and makes her entrance down the flight of stairs as McDreamy and McYummy gaze up at her. George and Callie have a fight. It goes something like this:

Callie: I told you I loved you and you said nothing.
George: Don’t push me, woman. I’ll tell you when I’m ready.
Callie: Ok. Can we make out in the hallway?
George: You’re scary, but sure.

Meredith dances with McYummy and he tells her for the first time in his life since his wife died, he has plans. And they include her. Awwwww. She rests her head on his shoulder and is just about to be happy for the first time since McDreamy ripped out her heart and fed it to his wife, when she notices McDreamy. Staring. At her. Again. She tells McYummy she needs a breather and runs down the hallway, followed closely by McDreamy, who leaves a dance with his wife to go after her. He needs a breather too, apparently. Side note: what is with Addison’s hair and horrible Miss America dress? How come she has beautiful long locks while she’s working, but when she’s all dressed up in her Miss America dress she opts for a French braid hairstyle from 1986? I’m just wondering. Anyway, McDreamy follows Mer into an examining room and tells her he doesn’t think about his wife, oh no. He thinks about her. All the time. He wants to puke at the thought of the vet’s hands all over her. She’s happy, for the first time in her life, she says. Leave me alone. He kisses her and the next thing we know he’s taking her underwear off and they’re getting busy.

You’re wondering what happened to Denny, right? Well, he makes it through surgery, Izzie decides yes, she will marry him, and she goes home to change into one of the three formal gowns she has in her closet for the prom. But during all the Meredith/McDreamy drama, Denny develops a blood clot. And dies. WHAT? I just invested all that time and emotion into these two kooky kids and you’re gonna kill him off? NO WAY. But I guess you need to do that, writers, because otherwise, how will we ever get Izzie back with Alex, the couple tied with Burke and Cristina for power couple #2 of Grey’s Anatomy? I may respect your decision, but I don’t like it. So Izzie’s on her way back to the hospital for the prom and Meredith and Derek are busy looking for her underwear in the exam room when Callie walks in and informs Meredith Izzie needs her. STAT. After helping Mer tie up the back of her dress and give McDreamy the look of death, Callie, Meredith, George, Cristina and Alex find Izzie in Denny’s bed, in her gown, sobbing away. “He died alone,” cries Izzie. “I had three dresses and couldn’t choose and I would have been here sooner and I could have been with him”. See what happens when you have two too many dresses for the prom (I’m talking to you Jen Lake). And in a desperate attempt to make Alex human again, he picks Izzie up off the bed and carries her off in his arms to console her. Because they need to set up the romantic storyline for Izzie and Alex for next season, and let’s face it, he was pretty much a dick for the last ten episodes or so.

McYummy runs into McDreamy in the hallway. “Have you seen Meredith?” he asks. “No,” says McDreamy “but here are her panties.” HA- I’m just kidding. So everyone shows up and realizes Denny has died. Izzie confesses to the Chief that she was the one who cut the LVAD, she’s quitting the program and no longer wants to be a doctor. Wow. Everyone takes off and Meredith is left alone with McYummy, McDreamy and Addison. McYummy offers Meredith a hand and says “Meredith?” But McDreamy, whose wife is standing like two feet away, also throws Meredith the shout out. Cut to McYummy shooting McDreamy a “What you talking ‘bout Willis?” look. Cut to Meredith. Cut to McDreamy. Cut to McYummy. And so on until we end on Meredith. WHO WILL SHE CHOOSE? Why is Addison standing idly by? Will Izzie really leave Seattle Grace? Will Burke ever operate again? Will George tell Callie he loves her? Will Addison dump McDreamy’s cheating ass? Will Chris O’Donnell please call me???

Sunday TV

Bree finally sends Andrew packing

Woke up this morning, got myself a gun…
because gas prices are out of control. Not that this hasn’t come to my attention in recent months (or years for that matter) but the point really hit home when I was watching “The Sopranos” with my brother’s girlfriend and while we watched the opening credits (which never get old, considering I’m a Jersey native) she screamed out “Holy crap! Look at how much the gas is!” After a couple of Tivo rewinds, we noticed the gas was something like 99 cents. Gas has gone up 200% since the show began in 1999. Now that I think about it, I don’t remember it ever being 99 cents. I’m only bringing this up because The Sopranos sucked so badly last night there isn’t much to write about. Well, except the fact that Cristafuh found himself back on heroin, with a new girlfriend who he got pregnant, married and bought a house for all within the space of one episode. I’m assuming that by next week he’ll be putting the future mafioso into kindergarten.

The Ick Factor…
Andrew Van de Kamp really crossed a line this week on Desperate Housewives. I’m not talking about sleeping with his mother’s sex-addicted boyfriend (which was pretty reprehensible). No. I’m talking about his earlier conversation with his sister, who he initially was trying to get to sleep with said sex-addict. “Strip down to your bra and panties…now.” Eeewww. That has got to be the creepiest exchange between brother and sister I have ever seen. Thank god bratty Danielle had enough sense to refuse; otherwise I would have had to change the channel. And I was happy to see that after all these months, after all of Andrew’s conniving plots to “bring down” his mother, Bree finally had enough. Finally. It wasn’t the smack-down I was hoping for, but that probably would have just fueled Andrew’s fire. Bree was simply too exhausted emotionally for another confrontation and dropped the evil spawn off in the middle of nowhere. But of course it’s not the last we’ve seen of Baby Boy Andrew.

Alfre Woodward finally did some work for her paycheck, showing up for a couple of scenes in Sunday’s episode. Betty Applewhite finally figured out that it’s her son Matthew, not Caleb, who’s the one in need of some “grounding”. So what does she do? Lock Matthew in the basement. Seems to be her answer to everything. How is she going to explain that Matthew is gone, but the son no one knew she had is just sitting around in her kitchen eating poison ice cream? And now that the whole Van de Kamp family knows her secret and there are bound to be other people looking for her, why is she still living on Wisteria Lane? Hello??? Won’t it be a matter of time before Gabrielle notices that Betty’s “new” son is the one who allegedly attacked her, causing her to lose her baby? Get out of town Betty! How many lives do you have to ruin???

If there is anyone out there who didn’t see the Xiao Mei/surrogate story coming a mile away, then you need to get your eyes checked. I love Gabrielle’s concern over Xiao Mei being deported and being forced to be someone’s slave when really she’s just worried she’s going to lose her own personal sweat shop. And trying to explain to Xiao Mei the intricacies of surrogacy “I’m the dough, and Carlos is the pork, and you’re the oven!” was priceless. Even if Xiao Mei gets preggers with the future Solis baby, I don’t think it will be smooth sailing ahead.

It seems on the surface that Tom and Lynette have a great marriage. For about five minutes. If you ask me, Tom’s a wuss. A complainer. A baby. Blah blah blah. Shut up idiot, and have a seat- we’re done talking to you. And Lynette is no better. First she gets Tom fired from his job, then due to a little “harmless” internet chat with her boss’ wife (who thinks she’s having a little “naughty” chat with her husband) inadvertently gets him fired from that job as well. Then, to top it all off, the boss informs Lynette that it looks like Tom’s been having a little hanky-panky in Atlantic City, in the form of hotel rooms and flower bills. Ever heard of cash, Tom? It leaves no trace, you idiot. And to use the company card? Hello? I once used my corporate Amex to buy a $9.99 t-shirt at the Gap and got the third degree. Why is this idiot using the company card as a means for whatever it is he’s got going on in Atlantic City- especially when his wife works at the company and is his boss? Not the sharpest tool in the woodshed. But I have a feeling the secret charges are not what they appear to be (is anything what it appears to be on Wisteria Lane?) and will somehow tie in to the statement Tom made about 300 episodes ago when he told his father that he did something terrible and hopes Lynette never finds out, or something to that effect. I was wondering when that plotline would come back.

And finally, Susan. It wouldn’t be Sunday night without Susan having the opportunity to make an ass of herself, as she did with the postman (hello Mr. Treeger, the super from “Friends”!). After mailing Edie a confession about her rendezvous with Carl, Susan learns Mike has paid off the detective trailing her and Edie will never know just who it was Carl left her for. So Susan invites Mr. Treeger in, and stupidly sends him upstairs to use the bathroom so she can steal the letter out of the mailbag. Only Mr. Treeger thinks Susan wants to have sex with him. This plot feels an awful lot like the common “misunderstanding” from “Three’s Company”. Then, to make matters worse, Julie comes home, sees the letter to Edie in Susan’s pile of mail and puts it back in the mailbag. So Edie gets the letter and goes postal (pun intended). Practically skipping through Susan’s house, Edie drowns each room in some sort of flammable substance, setting the whole damn house ablaze. A little extreme, no? Look for Susan, who has nowhere to go, to move in with, um…who…could…it…be…Mike! This poor guy has had nothing to do this year except beat up Susan’s new boyfriends. He needs a storyline, no matter how forced an attempt it will be to reunite him with Susan.

Whore-able words…

Dr. Derek Shepard
Seattle Grace Hospital
Seattle, WA

Dear Dr. Shepard,

I am writing you this letter because I feel there are some things you need to know. First of all, you love Meredith Grey. The sooner you accept this, the easier things will be for everyone. Second, let me fill you in on a little something my mother once told me: You can’t have your cake and eat it too. At six, this made no sense to me. But for you, with all of your medical degrees and your standing as the country’s leading neurosurgeon, this should need no explanation. Third, here are some words of wisdom from good old dad: Shit or get off the pot. Again, hopefully no explanation needed. Derek, (if I may call you that), you made the decision to work things out with your glamazon surgeon wife. So try to do that. Leave Meredith alone. I know it bothered you when she slept with George. It bothered all of us. Not the best judgment call on her part, but we all make mistakes and she is paying for it. Then when your former best friend who slept with your wife shows up, it hardly registers with you that he is pressuring her to leave you once again because he still loves her. You must have been in surgery or something. But you definitely noticed when he barely smiled at Meredith and you sucker punched him onto the floor. Shame on you for bruising McSteamy. When you got over that, you decided you wanted to be her “friend”. She could tell you anything. This worked for a while. But then you found her at Dr. Vet McYummy’s place in just McYummy’s t-shirt. Uh-Oh. Suddenly, you turned into Dr. McPricky. You accused Meredith of sleeping around, using meaningless sex to solve her problems. Yes, Meredith is far from virginal, but you crossed the line. A big, red, blinking line with the words “Step Back” written in neon across it. “You have no right to call me a whore”, Meredith said to you. And I hate to admit this, but she’s right. You, married to your wife, who you chose over Meredith, who you so obviously still care about, have no right calling her a whore. You’re the whore, my friend. So until you decide to break it off with Addison once and for all, leave Meredith and McYummy alone. Take the dog to another vet. Turn the other way when you see her coming down the corridor. Because until the writers decide otherwise, you’re stuck with Addison. So get over it.


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