The Tears of a Clown….

Travis and his final Bachelorette, Sarah


Rough day for me readers. Sorry its so late, but hope you enjoy, nonetheless...

Before I get into the finale of The Bachelor: Paris, can I just say how much I hate Meredith Grey? It’s bad enough I have to deal with her annoying narration, whining and lovelorn glances at McDreamy (who’s also on my list), but now she’s gone and crushed George. I almost started to weep myself when we saw the flashback of Meredith and George attempting to have sex and she just starts to cry uncontrollably, making for the most awkward sex encounter in recent television memory. UGH…But speaking of crying uncontrollably….

I find The Bachelor: Paris like a horrible train wreck. I don’t want to watch, but I can’t help myself. So during the agonizing two hour finale last night, I found myself watching the show with one eye closed hoping for it to be over as soon as possible. Alas, I’m not that lucky. So where shall I begin? Of course we have the recap of two weeks ago, the “overnight dates”, Susan getting dumped etc. Do we really need to see this yet again? This makes two “overnight date” episode recaps since the episode aired. Does ABC think we are that stupid that we would forget Susan’s award-worthy performance in the limo ride home? No, readers, they do not. What they are trying to tell us is, “You thought Susan was acting? Wait til you see this episode’s 'final thoughts' limo ride. Now, that’s what we call acting, people!”

So, Travis’ family arrives in Paris with Mom, Dad, Sister Andrea, Bro-in Law Mike & two adorable nieces. Obviously they are here to help him make a decision about who he should choose. Travis, and the sister’s family show up at an indoor park (we know how Travis loves his parks) and get to meet Sarah. They love her, of course. Sis takes Sarah aside, and Sarah tells Sis how perfect Travis is for her (a statement she makes 821 times during this episode), they want the same things, blah blah blah. Sister starts to cry. Oh, it’s just the beginning. Sarah does her “Tootie-tot” dance for the nieces and of course wins them over (who doesn’t like a little impromptu “Tootie-tot” dancing???). It’s at this point I hear the smartest thing ever to be said this season. Whitney, Travis’ niece, thinks Uncle Travis should pick using the very highly scientific "eeny-meeny-miney-mo method". I’m with you, Whitney. Back at the chateau, Sarah meets Mr. & Mrs. Stork. They take her aside for a little one on one and Travis’ dad is quite the interrogator. But Sarah answers all his and Mommy Stork’s questions honestly and heartfelt. Mom starts to cry. They LOVE her. At dinner, more talk about Sarah’s love for Travis and sister and mom cry. AGAIN. Maybe it’s the water in the chateau. Maybe Sarah is only drinking bottled water and that’s why she isn’t crying like an uncontrollable asshole 24/7. Who knows? Travis walks Sarah out and says in V.O that although his family loved Sarah with uncontrollable fits of tears, he still wants them to keep an open mind with Moana because they will be meeting her tomorrow.

Travis, Sister Andrea, Bro-in Law Mike & two adorable nieces meet Moana at the zoo. They all hit it off and Moana tries to make a forced connection with the two nieces. Let’s face it- Moana sucks in the maternal/nurturing department. Sis Andrea goes off with Moana and asks Moana how she feels about Travis. She tells Andrea that she had no expectations coming into this but now she is crazy about Travis and sees her soul in his eyes (or some crap to that effect). Then they both start crying. I’m starting to think that Andrea and Moana will form some kind of a bond. Problem is, I think Andrea’s tears are real, because she thinks this little vixen really cares for her brother and she thinks that is sweet. Moana, on the other hand, is just insane. Pure and simple. So, after the cry-fest, Moana bonds with Mike and he says he really likes her too. Then comes something completely shocking. Whitney, the older of Travis’ two nieces, shows the camera a picture she made of Sarah and Moana. “I made this picture to help Travis pick.” (Apparently she has abandoned the eeny-meeny-miney-mo method in favor of a visual). “This is Teacher Sarah and Moana. I picked Moana because I circled her and put a heart next to it.” Next we see everyone walking out of the zoo and Moana reaches for Whitney’s hand. I swear she put a twenty dollar bill in there. There’s no other explanation…

Moana arrives at the chateau and meets the Storks. Now this is where the train wreck really starts. At dinner, here goes the conversation:

MR. STORK: (asking about the group dates) So you weren’t excited about this?
MOANA: Not really
MR. STORK: You’re just going along, doing your thing…
MOANA: Yep.
MR. STORK: Well, on the second date, what were you feeling?
MOANA: (Long pause) I was going through a major shift and personal adjustment…
MR. STORK: Do you want to share your journey of self-discovery?
MOANA: (Long pause) No…
ANDREA: Tell us why you and Travis would make a good couple.
MOANA: Do I really have to? (Long Pause) I’m sorry but it’s just not in my character to answer that. It’s in my character to be completely nuts and cry at the drop of a hat and make you worry that your possible future grandchildren will have severe chemical imbalances, but its far too personal for me to answer a simple question like why Travis and I would make a good couple.
(strange looks from all of Travis’ family, including Travis)
MIKE: What is it about Travis that intrigues you?
(Very long pause)
ANDREA: There has to be a connection somewhere? (long pause) What’s the connection?
(Long pause)
ANDREA(to the camera): Here’s a girl I like so much and you can’t answer this and this kills me. I just wanted her to rattle of a list of reasons why she likes Travis and she couldn’t do it.
(Long pause)
MOANA: (Crying)I can say this, I guess. I’ve never encountered another person in my life that’s looked at me, knowing nothing about me and accepting everything.
Andrea cries. AGAIN.

Travis tries to lighten the mood with “It’s all good…it’s all good. It’s happy!” Translation: Mom, Dad, Sis, don’t worry. It’s all good. After that excruciating conversation there is no way in hell I am picking Moana the psycho. So let’s just relax, interrogate her a little bit more for the sake of the show, make her cry some more and you’ll never have to see her again.

Mom and Dad aren’t buying any of this and decide to take Moana off for some one on one time.

MR. STORK: I’m having a problem understanding why you’re attracted to our son.
MOANA: (Welling up): At no other point in my life have I looked at another human being where I saw my soul shining back at me. (Choking back sobs) And it was a point of recognition that I don’t know how to explain to you.
MR. STORK: (looking very uncomfortable) Okay...
MOANA: Because it rocked me to the core and I’m a pretty solid person. (Sure you are)I’ve been such a solid person (until I came on this show).
MR. STORK: Let’s assume for a second, Travis picks you. What are your intentions after the ceremonies (is there more than one ceremony, Mr. Stork? News to me).
MOANA: (Still crying) I don’t know what I believed before I walked in this door and I don’t know what I’ll believe when I walk out of it. But I can tell you I’ve had an experience with your son that I’ve never encountered with another human being (that would be multiple orgasms).

Travis walks Moana out. She seems to think the night went well. The Storks…not so much. It’s a unanimous vote for Sarah (except maybe Whitney, but then again, she’s got a twenty in her pocket and hasn’t been subjected to Moana’s crazy side).

The next day, both ladies get surprise visits from their mothers. Well, Sarah’s mom. We are treated to another lovely visit from Moana’s stepmother, Virginia, who when we last saw her, was disgusted by the whole Bachelor franchise and how it made a mockery of marriage. She isn’t however, disgusted by a free trip to Paris and so joins Moana in the city of lights. The moms are there to help pick out dresses for the rose ceremony and SURPRISE! engagement rings if Travis should propose. The girls pick out their dresses and decide on the same engagement ring. That’s about the only thing they have in common.

Nothing much to report about the final dates. Sarah tells Travis he’s perfect for her. She’s perfect for him. They are perfect together. Travis tells us he cannot say how he feels because he still doesn’t know who he’s going to pick. Yeah, right. I think that clip was from like three episodes ago. There is no way after the Moana outburst at dinner with the rentals is he picking Moana. But ABC has to string us along a little bit longer.

Moana cooks Travis dinner. I’m a maniac in the bedroom AND I can cook! Travis asks Moana why, if she cooked like this for the girls in the house every night, did they not get along? Um, Travis, did you see those bitches? They’re all a Size 0 and did not eat my fantastic food. They don’t appreciate me like you do. I don’t see myself when I look into their souls, or some crap like that… You get the point.

Finally, the FINAL rose ceremony is about to begin. Everyone looks like they are ready to throw up. Including Chris Harrison. Ha ha…Kidding. Anyway, the girls talk about the “journey” on their separate limo rides all the while Travis thinks of a way to let Moana down easy and hope she doesn’t throw a ballistic hissy fit in the grand hall of the chateau. The first limo pulls up. Who will it be? It’s not set in stone the first girl to arrive gets the boot. It’s Moana and CH escorts her into the chateau. She looks strangely confident. Poor baby…

“Hey Beautiful…” he says as she walks in. “Hi Handsome”. Oh God. Gag me. This is gonna be bad.

TRAVIS: Where shall I begin? From the very first night I met you, I was completely intrigued…I knew that underneath that initial conversation there were many layers. And I was nervous I was never going to see those layers (but you crying crack pot, I did). I knew you were beautiful. I found a woman who is passionate, has a lot of depth and has so much to offer and you showed that to me (along with the nasty tatoo on your fanny). We, throughout all of this, have had an amazing connection. An amazing connection, a beautiful connection. And that’s what I love about you. (Cue the dramatic music). BUT…if I listen to my heart I can’t choose you.

(Moana’s nostrils flare and she is clearly not breathing through her mouth.)

TRAVIS: And it’s not because everything we had here wasn’t real, because it was. In many ways it was exactly what we came here for (so you could rock my world), this incredible French romance. (Moves in for the goodbye hug). I’m really sorry.

(Travis’ mike must be directly hitting Moana’s chest because suddenly there is this unbelievable loud, crazy fast heartbeat. And it ain’t coming from Chris Harrison.)

MOANA: I’m really shocked. I’m really, truthfully shocked
TRAVIS: I want to explain, but there’s no good explanation. I shared something with you that was really special (multiple orgasms), but I had to make a choice-and it’s a choice about where do we go from here. And I didn’t know the answer (I do know the answer, but there is no way in hell I am telling you the truth, psycho).
MOANA: This has been an incredible experience for me. I learned a lot about myself. You’ll always have a piece of me that I can’t get back.
(He walks her to the limo.)
TRAVIS: I’m gonna miss you (and the crazy sex). You know that right?
MOANA: I can only hope (You'll never have the kind of sex with Miss "Tootie-Tot" you had with me, asshole). Under circumstances like this, no one ever knows.
(Travis feels awful. He shuts the door of the limo).
TRAVIS: I think Moana was shocked. That’s what makes it harder (my family jewels). The thing about Moana is she’s an emotional person (understatement of the year) and it was grueling for her to sit there and hear what I had to say.

(Cut to interior of limo. Moana is letting loose on Assistant Cameraman #2)

(Unfortunately readers, you will never have the full effect of just how disturbing Moana's fifth and final mental breakdown was. It needs to be seen to be believed. I, in no way can do it justice, so here it is word for word):
MOANA: (crying) I’m emotionally devastated. I’m so shocked. At first I thought it was a joke. I’ve just never been so vulnerable in my entire life. And just to be so dead wrong and to be made such a fool. (Hysterical crying.) To be completely convinced that your affections for someone are 100 percent reciprocated and to be smacked in the face… (Uncontrollable sobbing, to the point that I can’t really understand what the hell she is saying)…rejection like I received tonight is so hurtful and I feel like such a fool. The good girl always wins. Guys like that don’t marry girls like me. (I do feel a little bad for her right now) I feel right now, honestly, like I never should have opened up because this pain that I am feeling right now is so intense I just want to crawl back into my shell and just hide. The things I’ve been saying, I just thought, how could I be wrong? And it’s not about my pride, because screw my pride, but this was about my heart, which was so hard for me to give. I just feel so foolish. And so absolutely devastated.
(She is sobbing so hard now all you can hear are gasps and choking sounds.)

Oh sweet Jesus. Someone please get this girl some meds. Please, for her own sanity. Bye, bye Moana, we hardly knew ya…

At this point, it really doesn’t matter what happened next. You know what happened. Here’s a quick recap:

TRAVIS: and so, I’ve picked you Sarah.
SARAH: Me? Really?
TRAVIS: Really.
SARAH: Travis, you’re so perfect for me (#821, I’m counting.)
TRAVIS: No, Sarah, you’re perfect for me.
SARAH: No, you’re perfect for ME!
TRAVIS: No, YOU!
SARAH: No ME!
HARRISON: You’re both f*ing perfect. Now get the f*ck out of the studio!

Travis pulls a Guiney a gives Sarah the ring on a necklace. So they can see where things go. You know she’s walking around her apartment with that ring on, singing tunes from Disney movies. I predict Sarah and Travis will live happily ever after until he makes his move to the mountains and she stays in Nashville. But by then there will be a new Bachelor to watch and another 16 hours of my life I will never get back…

Dr. T and the Women

No show...Allie G.


Ok, so I’m perplexed. Former Bachelorettes have the option of NOT showing up to “The Women Tell All” special? I would think that would be in their contract once they sign up for the show. Otherwise, how do you explain all the other idiots who made a fool of themselves on national television, only to come back for more on the “tell all” special? For once, Allie G. made a smart decision. But no Allie G? COME ON! ABC’s lawyers need to do a better job with those contracts. I guess we will never know what possessed her to offer up her ovaries to Dr. T. Oh well….Like Travis said, we’ll let her move on…

So the (one hour- Thank God!) show starts with a verbal beating of Susan, the last Bachelorette to be denied a rose. Without wasting any time, Harrison delves right in to the “were you acting or weren’t you?” We’re treated to some footage of Susan crying in the limo (minus the sailor-worthy cursing she used) and unseen footage of Travis stating once again, he doesn’t know what her intentions are. Harrison says that her mother threw her under the bus. Susan nods along and says her mom has been very upset this week. Yes, that’s because you have her gagged and locked in the basement with no food or water so she won’t ruin any other potential engagements for you. Then comes the attack. It reminds me of a scene out of “Carrie” where all the mean girls are taunting her, but unfortunately, Susan doesn’t have voodoo powers to slam the doors of the studio, lock everyone inside and drop lights from the ceiling onto their inflated heads. The ring leader is Jenny, the model from Boston who got booted on the camping trip with Travis and Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada. She just won’t let up on Susan. Personally, I think she wants to take her obviously very lucrative modeling career in Boston and parlay that into becoming an actress in Hollywood. She's just pissed no one thought of her as the “would-be” starlet, and therefore Bernie, her agent, hasn’t been getting any calls. Anyway, she brings up the fact that Susan had a picture of her ex- fiancé with her at all times back at the chateau. She did? I don’t remember seeing that. But I’ll take your word for it Jenny, cause you are obviously VERY pissed off about this. The mean girls claim that Susan was keeping ex- fiancé in her back pocket all the while competing with them for Travis’ attention. Susan says no, they say yes, back and forth, back and forth. Quite Frankly, I’m sick of this argument. Susan is never gonna say, “Yes, I am here to be discovered and was keeping my ex- fiancé around in case I got the boot. As a matter of fact, we’re back in love and he’s waiting for me backstage.” And the mean girls are never going to let it go, so let’s just move on, shall we? But not before we get some very moving crying fits from Susan. And…CUT! Beautiful Susan!

Next up is Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada to answer the questions about her pot smoking and immaturity. Again, front and center is Jenny, obviously pissed because Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada got the rose on the camping trip and not Jenny. Jenny tells her she is immature. I found this amusing for several reasons. One, Jenny is two years older than Sarah. Two. Not ten. How much more mature can Jenny be? She accuses her of playing with her marshmallow on the camping trip, stretching it out, etc. I’m just wishing Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada had smeared it over Jenny’s mouth to shut her the hell up. This is all you got, Jenny? Then, to prove my first point, we see a clip of Jenny from the camping trip. Bugs! Ick! Dirt! Ick! My Gucci boots are getting dirty, TRAAAAAAAVIS…..Is this chick for real? You are camping- NEWSFLASH- it’s not the Four Seasons! What did you expect? She’s acting like a bratty princess (and she’s not even the Bachelorette booted from the 1st rose ceremony who is actually named Princess). After she gets the boot, she is crying to the camera and talking in a stupid baby voice. Yeah, you’re real mature, Jenny. Get over yourself. Anyway, we get to see clips of Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada’s journey through Bachelorland, squeezing the boobs, and being pouty. There was an undeniable “spark” between Travis and Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada, says Harrison, but that seems to have fizzled on the hometown date. Yeah, could have been the private teen phone line or stuffed animal menagerie on the bed, but I’m just guessing.

Kristin is up next. She’s the blonde who had potential until she decided to use an orange as fake teeth and freak the hell out of Travis on their one on one date. I especially liked the clip where Kristin shows the girls her “bit” and Baked Tara says, “You should totally do that for Travis on your date”. Ouch! Anyway, Kristin seems very nice, and as Harrison says, “one of the best personalities we’ve ever had”. Kristin does seem genuinely happy just to be there. Maybe she's drunk too. Not on vodka stingers like Tara, but maybe just a nice wine cooler.

Next, Harrison says Allie G. declined to show up. But to make the yelling stop, we are treated to some special “never before seen” footage of Allie G’s mental breakdown. Which is, Allie G. complaining that “this cost me big bucks! Big Bucks! $1,500 a day!!!” What did? Her dress? Her image consultant? Her eggs harvesting at her local fertility clinic? After the clips, Harrison leaves the floor open for comments from the mean girls. Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada has the best story, how she was standing next to Allie G, and she complained that her feet hurt. “Shut the F--- up! Shut the F--- up! You already have a rose!!” said Allie G. Now where was the “never before seen” clip of THAT moment? Annoying Yvonne, remarks for the 845th time how shocked she was after she interrupted Travis and Allie G. and Allie G. pulled out the “reproduction” card. Is it me or does she remind you of Janice from “Friends”. OH…MY…GOD… We get to see Travis’ true reaction to Allie G’s decaying reproductive system, “What the hell???” But other than Annoying Yvonne/Janice chick and Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada, the mean girls are un-characteristically quiet. Because, quite frankly, Allie G. scares the crap out of them.

Finally- “The Greatest Bachelor of All Time” (that’s Harrison talking, not me). Travis faces the ladies. He pretty much doesn’t answer the “do you think Susan was acting” questions, but says, hey mean girls, leave her alone. She’s hot and we had our fun. Nothing wrong with that. He tells Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada that she got the boot because she’s a drunk who didn’t remember climbing up a tree with him. Kristin “orange teeth” wants to know if it was her trick teeth that turned him off. Yes, lady, it was. But remember my two dorky friends that showed up to interview everyone? One of them likes you- he does a thing with mangoes that I think you’ll really like. And that’s it. That’s all Travis had to say. Except for the earlier comment about Allie G., he’s got nothing. How exactly is he the “greatest Bachelor of all time” again? Oh yeah, cause he’s left with two chicks- one who’s a great friend, and the other who’s an emotional sex freak. Put them together and you have the perfect lady…

After a clip of bloopers (nothing exciting, just more of Drunk Tara, Baked Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada and Sarah Tennessee telling Travis she liked his “meat”), Harrison asks the ladies about Moana. Now this is where it gets confusing. The mean girls spend a couple of minutes dissecting their hatred of Moana, how she didn’t want to be there, she was nonchalant about the whole thing, etc. Then apparently stabs everyone in the back by trying to get alone time with Dr. T. But, mean girls, isn’t that what you are supposed to do? Don’t say for one second you all wouldn’t have shoved each other out of the way to get a private time with the Doctor. You know you would. Moana just beat you to it. Don’t hate her for it…embrace it! You’ll feel much better. And this is exactly what happens. Harrison then calls Moana “a favorite” (where he gets his info, I don’t know. Maybe from the same place that told him Travis was the “best Bachelor ever”) and suddenly all the mean girls are nodding along as if they agreed with this statement from Day One. Huh? They say they weren’t able to see Moana’s sensitive side until they watched the show on TV like the rest of us. No, you didn’t see it, you were too busy getting drunk and trashing her ass. The best was (again) Jenny. They show a clip of her attacking Moana, yet Jenny has the balls to say- “I love her”. You love her? You made her CRY, mean girl! Jenny, you are officially annoying me. Shut up. I think she wants Moana to win, because she knows that she and Travis will never make it work. Then she’ll be interviewed for some local magazine in Boston that Bernie the agent set her up with, where she can say, “I told you so”. Still trying for her 15 minutes…

Finally some clips from next week’s final RC. Is Moana crying to Travis’ dad? AWESOME! Can’t wait to see what brought that on. Moana also says something idiotic about looking into Travis and seeing her soul. Ah….so that’s who has her soul. I thought it was the devil! Sarah kicks it up a notch when she shows up at the final RC in a stunning dress. Thank god, because throughout the clips last night I had to be reminded of all the horrible fashion choices she has made (especially that awful orange number from the first RC) so it looks like she’s redeeming herself. I’m no genius, but if I had to take a guess, I’m guessing Travis’ family endorses Sarah. Hmmm…nice, sweet teacher from Nashville, good with kids, maternal girl or “get your freak on” girl, subject to sudden emotional outbursts and spawn from cranky parents? Not a tough one, people. But I guess the question is, who will Dr. T pick?

And Then There Were Two...

Dr. Travis Stork. The Bachelor: Paris

OK, first thing first. I just have to get this out of the way. For any of you who watched “Grey’s Anatomy” last night, I hope you agree with me when I say that I heard the best line ever in the history of television during a conversation between Dr. Bailey and George as Dr. Bailey is about to deliver her baby:

GEORGE: I see the head!
DR. BAILEY: O’Malley! Stop looking at my va-jay-jay!!

For the first time in my life, I actually, literally spit my beverage out of my mouth and laughed so hard I was about to cry. VA-JAY-JAY. Classic.

Ok, so on to business. I finally figured out why this season of The Bachelor seems to have flown by so quickly. It’s because they have saved all the special two hour episodes until the end. Do we really need to waste two whole hours? It’s bad enough I waste an hour of my night watching this show, but two? C’mon, people. WRAP IT UP.

The episode begins with a walk down memory lane as previous bachelors recall their “special, romantic” overnight dates. Bachelor Number Two, Aaron Buerge is alive and well and opening lots of banks and restaurants in Springfield. Cut to a clip of Aaron and Gwen on a romantic overnight date in San Francisco. Gwen: “Do you think after this process, you’re finding what you’re looking for?” Aaron “I think so”. Translation: it ain’t you baby….It’s at this point I wonder if we are going to have to sit through each former Bachelor’s (please don’t subject me to Bob Guiney) steamy recollection of overnight dates, where he got the fantasy key and did the nasty with the last Bachelorettes standing. What is the point of this? They aren’t together anymore. Not exactly a shining endorsement for the Bachelor franchise. (Please don’t subject me to Bob Guiney)

But, yes, we get to see Shannon from Season One who says by getting the fantasy suite key, you’re basically expected to sleep with the Bachelor ( in this case, Alex the cad). She didn’t. She got the boot. Shocking. (Please don’t subject me to Bob Guiney) Next up, Andy Firestone. I actually liked Andrew. He says he’s still working at the family winery and is not driving down Sunset Strip a hundred miles an hour in a Ferrari. But you could, Andy. They show his date in Hawaii with Tina “Fabulous”. Hey, why are they showing dates with the ladies who didn’t even get the final rose? I don’t get it. (Please don’t subject me to Bob Guiney) On to Mandy Jaye and Bachelor Number Five, Jesse “Dumbest Man on Earth” Palmer’s date in Washington D.C. (what’s so romantic about DC?) where they get crashed by Psycho Trish. Trish! Loved her. She’s was like the Moana of that season. They show the unbelievably humiliating clip of Trish actually taking a room key out of her bra and giving it to Jesse, telling him “you spent the day with her, come spend the night with me”. If she had to do it all over again, Trish says, she would do it exactly the same way. Woman, do you know no bounds? OY…Time for commercial and apparently we still have more Bachelors to catch up with (Please don’t subject me to Bob Guiney)…

Trista…when are you going to go away??? The gal from “our most romantic love story of all time” recalls her overnight date with Alex when she was on Season One of The Bachelor and ABC is all too happy to show us the shot of Alex barfing the helicopter. Nice. Ugh, her voice still sends chills down my spine. Then an extra long segment with now hubby Ryan Sutter recalling their overnight date in Seattle. “We had a really hot time in the hot tub. It was hard.” I’m not even touching that one. Trista loves her life, her hubby, her dogs…and a lot of that is because of “The Bachelorette”. Ya think, Trista? If it weren’t for “The Bachelorette” you would not have met your hot, but clueless hubby. Idiot…

So it turns out that lots of our former Bachelors and Bachelorettes are watching this season. Trish thinks Travis has a personality and is good looking. Uh oh. How fantastic would it be if she crashed Moana’s overnight date with Travis? Please oh please oh please…Tina Fabulous likes to watch by herself, in a room by herself, her, nobody else, no cell phones, no family members, no friends…nothing. I’m leaving that one alone too. Trista thinks Travis is just like Ryan. I haven’t heard Travis recite any poetry yet, so I’m thinking, not even close. Charlie is jealous of Travis and thinks he has a nice body, nice cheekbones and is amazing. I checked for editing and there wasn’t any. Charlie actually said this on camera. Is it me or does he look like Huey Lewis? Oh god…another commercial and they still haven’t shown us what Byron and Mary are up to. COME ON! Let’s get this show on the road!! (Please don’t subject me to Bob Guiney).

Well, it looks like they are saving Byron and Mary until later (Please don’t subject me to Bob Guiney). And finally, our episode starts. Travis wrapping up his feelings on the three remaining ladies: Susan- he’s basically scared of her mother. Sarah (no need to differentiate anymore)- he’s hoping they’ll get past first base on the overnight date. “And then…Moana”. She’s exciting. She knows no boundaries. He’s wondering why all the girls hate her. HELLOOOOOOOO. Anyone in there? Would you like some cuckoo with your cocoa puffs, Travis?

Venice, Italy. Travis is looking forward to seeing Moana. It feels like she’s his girlfriend. Awwwww….Somewhere Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada is laying on her canopy bed with her stuffed animal, smoking a doobie and on her private “teen” phone line crying her eyes out to her girlfriends. Travis and Moana check out some churches. Get attacked by five million birds. Have coffee. Moana breaks out perfect Italian. Travis is impressed. Drink wine and kiss on the gondola. God, I’m bored. This better pick up.

Back from commercial. Travis toasts himself because he’s with the most beautiful girl in Venice. Until Trish walks up!! Nah…just kidding. A girl can hope…Travis lays a big speech on Moana about how he can’t wait to get back to his normal life but he’s so happy to have met her and if he didn’t they wouldn’t be in Venice and she teaches him things (hmmmm…..) and she says he teaches him things and I’m hoping someone will teach someone to be a little more exciting on this date. Travis breaks out the fantasy suite invite and says “and I’m going to tell you why I’m looking forward to it in a minute”. Please Travis, tell us. Is it because all this time you have kept Moana around just for this specific moment and you are hoping she will rock your world in the fantasy suite? I’m guessing yes. But, apparently its because he wants to spend more time with her…alone. So she can ROCK YOUR WORLD!!! Right Travis? Throw me a bone, please! Moana thinks Travis and she are on the same page. Translation: I’m gonna rock your world, Travis. Travis explains he’s always been faithful and truthful and never cheated…blah blah blah and that he has two other dates to go on. Moana is right here and right now. In other words, shut up Travis. Lock the door and let’s get it on…

Oh my god…we’re only half way though…

Vienna, Austria. Guten Tag! Both Travis and Sarah are hoping to see if romance is in the air. Frankly, so are we. Cause as it looks now, Moana is a lock (no hysterical outbursts on their date, but she still has the final message video tape so here’s hoping!) and Susan is the hottest, so it ain’t looking good for Sarah. Travis and Sarah take a ride on an old ferris wheel looking thing, but bigger with a couch and Surprise! beer waiting for them. He’s exited to see her. She’s excited to see him. I’d be excited if this show was over. Travis tells us he’s connected to Sarah in a way different than the romantic connections with Moana and Susan. Basically, she’s not a self-involved, sex crazed loony toon, and that’s ok with him. They go and get a couples massage. Now, I’m guessing it would be more romantic for them to massage each other, but what do I know. They go and float in a tub and remind me of two kids playing in a kiddie pool. He gives her a peck on the cheek. A peck? Is he holding out because he thinks she wants to take it slow? Because, now, according to Sarah, the pecks are nice and all, but she’s ready for some serious smooching. You go girl! During a carriage ride through the streets, Sarah tells Travis that although PDA is sweet, she would never do that. Sarah, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? You are sabotaging your own date! What happened to all the sweet kisses you were after? This girl needs game…Travis, god bless him, is trying to save this date the best he can by saying in voice over that they are building a relationship that goes beyond friendship and that they are allowing that to happen completely naturally. Whatever you say, Travis…Coming up…Susan faces some tough questions. Oh thank god. Finally some drama!!!

Travis is looking forward to a romantic evening alone with Sarah and to really get closer in that way. By this he means he’s hoping they are alone in a secluded place so Sarah won’t pull the anti-PDA card on him. When he gives Sarah the fantasy suite invite, Travis suggests they bail on the formal dinner, take the food and hang out in the suite. Sarah thinks that has been the best idea all night. Yes! She’s back in the game!

Back in the suite, Travis explains how they have built a strong friendship, unlike anything he has with the two other girls. Sarah says its not like her to jump into something so soon and she questions the other girls intentions. Travis is curious as to what that means. Without throwing anyone under the bus, Sarah explains that she and Travis are settled in life, know what they want and where they want to go in life. Travis is impressed. He says that without her being there, he honestly thinks he may have lost some of who he is. Huh? If anyone knows what the hell he is talking about, please let me know. Anyway, she says that is the best thing he has said to her since they’ve been there. And we move in for the kiss…WHAA HOO!!!! I’m getting a Trista/Ryan vibe from these two (but in a good way)…

French Alps: Travis has a lot of unanswered questions. He wonders if Susan’s saying things because he wants to hear it, or if she sincerely means. So, along with Susan’s mother, Travis is wondering just how much acting is really going on. Susan says that although her hometown date was a little rocky, the mountains and the snow and the beauty of the place is the perfect place to fall in love. It’s gonna take more than snow and mountains, Susan. After they meet, Travis says he wants to go climb a mountain. Susan jumps up and down like a Chihuahua. Yeah! Yippee! We interrupt this program…this is a test…repeat this is a test. Apparently, Travis caught on to my French manicure statement from last week and he too is skeptical. Tossing a football around is nothing, lady. Let’s see what you’re really made of. So they climb the mountain. This is cool! I want to go higher! Today, ladies and gentlemen, the role of expert mountain climber is being played by Susan. After they sit on what looks like a very unstable log lodged into the side of the mountain, Travis asks Susan if going to France was to get exposure. That’s the last reason, Susan says. She pulls the “this is hard for me…I don’t want to be vulnerable” card. He’s hoping she has legitimate feelings, but quite honestly, he doesn’t know yet. After the mountain climb, they come upon a boiling pot in the middle of nowhere. “Guess what’s in the pot?” Travis asks. I’m hoping its Travis’ pet bunny put there by Trish, but alas…no sighting of the psycho chick from season five yet. It’s a pot of hot cider, Travis says, people drink the pot to stay warm. They drink the pot to stay warm? Maybe Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada put it there. Anyway, over a nice cup of hot pot, Travis tells Susan that the girls in the house told him that Susan was talking about their first kiss as if it were a competition. No way, says Susan, defending herself to the end. To the camera she says she’s so not about publicity or winning a stupid game. (Cue the tears)…this is about how I’m feeling….But next to the hot pot, he kisses her anyway. The true test of tonight, he says, is if he can see the real Susan.

Over some fondue, Travis says he likes to be challenged and that Susan and he are on the same page. Is this the same page that he and Moana are on, because its getting a little crowded. Now here is where I know Susan is getting the boot tonight (and I swear I am writing this as I watch it): Travis says he honestly questions if Susan just says what he wants to hear. Haven’t we covered this already? Susan tells him she’s very nervous and that she’s totally falling in love with him. That’s right, Susie. Pull out all the stops. You can literally hear Travis gulp. Literally! You’re done Susie. I’m sure you’ll take the fantasy suite, have a night of crazy love, but you are still going back to the U.S.A. No need to keep watching after the gulp heard around the world. Fast forward!!

Paris, France: Travis watches the video messages of the ladies. Moana amazingly doesn’t weep hysterically. Sarah thinks they are perfect together. Susan hopes that she…well it doesn’t matter. She’s done.

Travis is honestly really confused right now. He has to break up with someone. Cut to the ceremony. I have to let one of you down…blah blah blah…Moana looks incredibly confident, Susan confused and Sarah is about to throw up. He picks up a rose. Moana, will you accept this rose? Moana passes on the “fake out” she’s done at every other RC and just hugs Travis with giddy laughter. Susan is pissed. The final rose. What, no Chris Harrison to remind us? This guy is slacking off. Hesitation….he looks back and forth at Susan and Sarah. Holy crap my heart is racing. Big pause…and Sarah! Oh thank god. You can see Susan's brain working overtime. How can she get in her last 15 minutes of fame? Enter Harrison. Susan, I’m sorry, get lost. Enjoy the peanuts in coach on your flight home. Travis takes Susan into the hall as Moana and Sarah make idle chit chat. What do you think they are talking about? Anyway, Travis and Susan sit down. “You are amazing…” Susan just wants to know why he dumped her. “Because I see through your charade woman, and I’m cutting you loose to go ahead and make a go of it in this crazy business we call show”. He puts her in the limo, and Susan starts to go off to 2nd Assistant cameraman. “I got dumped because I’m formal. What does that mean?” Uh, I dunno lady…I’m just the cameraman. “I try to keep myself in control and professional…” Um, wait a second. Professional? Who acts professional in a relationship? You act professional in a job interview or audition or…oh, ok, I get it. And back to the audition: “Anyone who’s sitting back in that $%#& chateau who thinks they’re being real is lying to themselves! Nobody likes to be hurting…nobody likes to be the one left wanting…” Uh, lady, we’re running out of tape… “I wanted to be his girl. I don’t get his decision. God…(cue the water works)…&%$#@....Why God? WHY????” Seriously lady…you’re done.

Back at the chateau, Travis feels very lucky for Sarah and Moana to be on his version of “Meet the Parents”. But we’ll have to wait two weeks because next week, it’s a very special episode of “The Woman Tell All” including more from the jilted Bachelorette who people can’t stop talking about (that would be crazy Ally from ep. 1). Never before seen footage of Travis boogieing on down with the ladies! Drunk Tara! Baked Sarah! Moana break dances! And I need to go to bed…See you next week.

Endnote: To the producers of The Bachelor: Thank you for not subjecting me to an update of Bob Guiney. You're ok in my book.

Cry Me a River, Moana...

The Bachelor: Paris


This week’s TWO HOUR episode featured Dr. Travis Stork traveling from Paris back to each of the four remaining gals hometowns. First stop was California, for self-proclaimed “true California girl” Moana. Oh Moana. I can’t seem to figure out what your deal is. At first I thought you were playing hard to get and acting all mysterious because, having watched previous Bachelor shows, you decided that would give you the advantage over the rest of the carbon copy beauties. But then you broke down. And you’ve been breaking down ever since. What happened to the “I don’t give a shit” attitude you possessed in the early episodes? I may not have liked you for it, but I respected the fact that you weren’t going to get all ga ga over some guy you just met. Are you having a mental breakdown on TV? I’m surprised you didn’t burst into tears when your “holier than thou” stepmother attacked Travis. That woman needs to be stopped. Anyway, back to the hometown date. So Travis and Moana have some quality alone time on the beach, lying next to some surfboards. Travis says something to the effect of “You can’t surf in Nashville”. Really, Travis? This guy is losing IQ points each week. It’s a wonder he got through med school. After some sun and surf, Weepy and Dopey head back to Casa de Moana. Travis meets Moana’s dad Ray, her mom Cheryl and the aforementioned grumpy stepmother, Virginia. Right off the bat, Ray is skeptical. For the remainder of the Moana segment, Ray continuously attacks Travis. The entire time. Only to be briefly interrupted by Virginia who is “disgusted” by the whole idea of “The Bachelor” and goes on and on about the how the sanctity of marriage has become mockery. I think she was just gunning for her fifteen minutes of fame, but what do I know. My favorite part was when, during one of Ray’s many interrogations, Travis tried to answer a question with his routine “I have strong beliefs” speech. “What exactly are your beliefs?” asked Ray. Cut to Travis staring blankly and having NO IDEA what to say. Priceless.

Next up is Sarah from Canada (I love how she’s never referred to by Travis as Sarah B. or Sarah from Winnipeg, just Sarah from Canada like it’s a tiny suburb of Boston or something. How come Sarah from Tennessee gets that moniker and not Sarah from the States? Or Sarah from the US? Just asking)…Anyway, so Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada (which is what I am calling her from now on) is waiting for Travis to meet her in some park and she already seems stoned. In voice over, Travis explains about how they had a “great connection from the start” but in the last couple of group dates, Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada seemed distant. He’s hoping that by being out of the house with all the girls, they will recapture that first spark (or something corny like that). So they hang in the park for a while and feed the ducks, but soon they are off to some bar to play pool and of course, drink beer. After what looks like some serious pool ass-kicking on Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada’s part, they sit down with their beers and have a chat. I’d like to interrupt here with what I think is Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada’s main problem: she can’t let the Moana thing go. Maybe if Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada had spent this “alone” time with Travis talking about herself or him or anything other than Moana, she would have half a chance. But she’s too busy filling Travis in on the “evil” Moana and as a result, looks petty and immature, which brings me to Travis’ visit with Sarah’s family. Things seem to be going well until Mrs. B from Winnipeg, Canada mentions in passing that her daughter still lives at home. Cue the dramatic music. Lives at home? Travis is SHOCKED. And right then and there you know Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada is getting the boot in tonight’s rose ceremony. Once he hears this info, it looks like he can’t even comprehend what anyone is saying for the rest of the night. It is only at this moment that Travis seems to realize just how young Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada really is. It wasn’t the constant “yeah, man”’ she ended every sentence with, or the fact that her profession is “Student”, or that she drinks a lot and could kick his ass in pool. Nope. She lives at home! She must be young! Then, just in case there was any doubt as to just how young Sarah is, the next shot is of she and Travis lying on her bed as she cuddles a stuffed animal. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

OK, I’m going to wrap this one up. Next up is Tennessee, where Travis is literally able to walk from his house to Sarah from Tennessee’s cute apartment. Own apartment? Check! They then walk to the park (what’s with this guy and parks?) where they hang out and get a surprise visit from Sarah’s sisters and her class of rambunctious kindergarteners. Good with kids? Check! For a fun little twist, Sarah’s parents and her aunt go to Travis’ place where he cooks them dinner. Nice family without any grand inquisition? Check! Things are really looking up for “teacher” Sarah when we hit a snag: he wants to move to the mountains; she wants to stay in Tennessee. Her mom tells her it’s difficult being a doctor’s wife. Not as difficult as being single, lady. Shut your trap! Sarah’s Dad barely says three words all night, which is a nice change from Moana’s annoying papa. After the parents thank Travis five hundred and sixty-two times and Sarah’s aunt basically asks her if they’ve done the deed, the parents and aunt take off. And I think this is the first time Teacher Sarah and Doctor Travis kiss. FINALLY.

The last of the hometown dates is with Susan, the wannabe actress from Durham, NC. Initially, I liked Susan until a couple of episodes in when she threw Teacher Susan under the bus, for what I don’t even remember. I mean, c’mon. You can trash Moana, Stoner Tara, Drunk Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada, but Teacher Sarah? She’s gotta be the sweetest person ever to grace the Bachelor franchise. Boring? Yes. But absolutely undeserving of Susan’s cattiness. The gloves are off, lady. What we know about Susan is this: she got the first kiss from Travis on the show; she wants to be an actress; and because of that last fact, we don’t know how sincere she is. Susan and Travis meet in a…PARK and they have a little game of touch football. Susan tells Travis she’s a pretty good athlete. Travis, here’s a hint for you. Anyone with nails as perfectly manicured as Susan’s is not an athlete, nor is she going to enjoy the outdoorsy life you so love, no matter what she tells you.

Susan and Travis go back to her parents’ house. Her mother is a trip. I’m not even sure she gave birth to this girl, because she calls her out so fast I had to rewind the TIVO five times. We learn Susan’s been engaged. Mom is concerned she is not ready for another committed relationship. No matter what Susan says or how many times she gushes about Travis, Mom just isn’t buying it. When Travis tells Mom that their feelings are real and there is no acting, Mom responds, “How do you know there’s no acting?” Ouch. Cut to Dad, who asks his little girl if she hopes that being on the show and meeting Travis will further her acting career. She actually says, “Whatever can help me out.” OH MY GOD. Does Susan know she’s on camera? Is she aware that, later on in the episode and she tells Travis that she is “110% committed and sincere” that she is a pathological liar? I’m guessing no.

Now the ladies have traveled all the way back to Paris, only for one of them to get the boot. At least they’ll be racking up some frequent flyer miles. Before he meets the ladies, he watches special video clips of them telling them what a terrific time they had. They’re all pretty predictable, except for Moana, who has a mental breakdown. Now that she’s snagged him with her play hard to get routine, she’s gonna show him her sensitive side as well. We get it Moana, you have feelings.

Travis makes his obligatory “I wish I didn’t have to cut any of you but they are making me so I’m going to” speech and begins to hand out a rose. Susan’s first, then Moana (she didn’t cry, thank god). Enter Chris Harrison. I love this guy. He has the best job in the world. How he manages to keep a straight face through all this is a skill unto its own. “Travis, Ladies, this is the final rose.” Love it. After what seems like an eternity, Travis says, “Sarah”. WHICH SARAH, TRAVIS? You’ve managed to call them Sarah from Tennessee and Sarah from Canada all season and now, at the most critical moment, you forget to say which one? You’re killing me. Finally, he realizes what he’s done and blurts out, “…from Tennessee.” Whew! Thank God. Cause I couldn’t have taken another cuddling session with Travis, Sarah B. from Winnipeg, Canada and her collection of stuffed animals.

So then there where three. I’m gonna bet that Susan’s a better actress than we give her credit for and she’ll make it to the final two. Although Travis hasn’t yet figured out that Moana is bipolar, as evidenced by picking her this week, I’m guessing she will have one emotional outburst too many and he’ll realize she’s a crazy nut. Which leaves Sarah from Tennessee to battle it out with Susan. Good vs. Evil…